Don't you realize?

You are losing someone who loves you. You say you don't care, but I think that because life is so short and is wasted all too often by people enraptured in meaningless ventures and broken dreams and all sorts of things that don't involve the people you love...Doesn't it matter then?

It will matter someday because all of us are alone and it is the measure of comfort knowing you have someone who loves you that makes life bearable.

What would you do without family and friends?

How many people do you have nearby who would come at a moment's notice if you were hurt, if you were seriously injured? Grievously afflicted by something?

I tried so very hard to treat you the way I wanted to be treated. I tried never to say anything I did not mean and because I know life is so unexpected and so short and so unpredictable like me meeting you and then two years later you demanding in more than one way, for me to leave you alone, I tried to tell you as many times as I could in more than one way, how much you are dear to me.

I tried to endear you to me, but maybe you are too scared. You kept saying I was too intense and maybe for you, for you I am. But that is love and perhaps, you are too scared, too sensitive and too weak to withstand the full force of love. It's sad. Really sad.

I wish you would realize how much you are losing and I think, I am very sure one day you will. I hope you have people who love you, because as much as it hurts to know that you never said "I love you" to me when you had your few last chances and to hear you say that you do not reciprocate all the things I feel for you (which I feel are all lies you are telling yourself), I have no regrets.

You are a insufferable person to be with. You are difficult and at many times for many people who have stood by me and watched us, watched me, you are not loveable. It is a harsh truth, but I loved you all the same. Even when you were so mean to me, even up until the end. I think one day you will regret that you didn't ensure I would walk away knowing full well and fully confident without even a thought, that you cared, loved and cherished me as I made sure to tell you to the point of annoyance.

How can you be annoyed? One day we all regret it.

The times we were irked by our parents smothering us or so it felt. But when they are gone. Or if not parents, someone. Someone who annoyed you. But when they are gone and there is no opportunity, no chance to tell them that you heard them and you appreciated it and you felt the same way, I wonder then what you do.

I have felt that way and I spend many times feeling regret. I wish I had told Jennifer I had loved her more, taken her on more walks and spared her a lonely death. I wish I had spent more time with my grandparents, written them everyday and touched them more. All I can do is love Buddy. All I can do is write to my aunt and my uncle and my living relations and honor my parents.

I can love you. I know I will no matter how mean you are to me. I know you don't mean it. But you shouldn't be so mean to me. I am guilty of nothing and you know that. You can make up as many validations and reasons as you want for us not working or me being "deficient" or "depressed" but the reality is, you were the reason I was depressed.

You were the reason I cried. Why I didn't smile or laugh for you. You were very hard to be with and I did my very best, but the truth is, I have never cried so much in my life. The saddest thing is, we could have been great. We could have been wonderful. But what we did have, I do not regret.

I do wish things were different. I don't know if we were ever have a chance again. I will be happy though and I will never forget you or stop caring. In time, maybe you will realize all these things. I'm afraid though, though I tried to teach you, to show you, you will have to learn the hard way or you will not learn at all.

And I won't be there. But I truly wish I was. I wish you would let me take care of you and I wish you would do everything in your power without complaint or blaming me, to make me really happy because you would have reaped the rewards of everyone who has known me as a true friend and as a daughter and as a family member. You would know me as they do and they will all tell you that all the things you accuse me of, are not true.

But then that would mean you would have to admit your wrongs and make amends, things at this time which you are incapable of doing because you do not want to spare the time or make the effort as you have deemed me "unworthy" and a "waste of time."

I used to ban the radio but I think it knows how I feel. I will love you until you are gone gone gone and I wish you could just stay. And one day you will understand what it was when you were my man.

Time of course will tell everything. But I sincerely doubt you can just lump me with the likes of your "first relationship" which was not a really one at all. I wasn't just your "first" and neither were you. It was real. It meant something more.

I love you, you are an idiot. Just not my idiot anymore, my dear.