Love comes and goes

It's so weird. In one day last weekend...I just stopped crying. I stopped worrying. I stopped torturing myself. Literally one text, one admission changed it all. I suddenly just healed. I mean the hole didn't close up, the reality didn't change. But one admission, one confession, one secret revealed itself. He misses me. No matter how far away he went. He misses me. He went to the other end of the coast, the other end of the country and yet I was the one he missed.

Does that mean I am not in love anymore? Because I'm not crying. Because I'm not worried.

What does it mean? That I don't cry...That I don't worry...That I am not consumed my anguish. Of course it wasn't fun to cry everyday and be consumed, I don't miss that feeling...I mean at all. But I'm scared I'm the idiot who cried wolf. The one who said she was in love and it turned out it was nothing but a farce. I really was the one who had the first love and it was nothing. It was the "first step," "the stepping stone."

No. Love is complicated. Love is long. It is evolving. It is changing. It is fluid.

I can't possibly have stopped being in love in 5 weeks. That does not make sense.

I guess I just have heard it all. All the bullshit that comes out of his mouth. The things, the stupid stupid things he had said and said again and again. I think I have just tired of it and gotten used to it. Maybe this is what it is like to be more grown up...to have matured even in these 5 weeks, this month that we have not been in a relationship. I think that is more likely what it is.

Huh an odd feeling. It's a good feeling. Also I am tired. Quite a bit of the time. I have all this work to catch up on.

I do care about him. I do miss him. Even if it's not on the forefront of my mind. It's still inherently in me I know it is. It's just not as intense. I'm not as intense anymore. And that is growth. And that is maybe the difference of the love of a teenager and the love of an adult. It's not that we don't feel and the feelings aren't strong, enduring or powerful...it's just not all at the surface like a mood ring, it's not so malleable and so forgettable, it's just inherently in you. Like what David Choi says, "under my skin." It's just 'there.'

Love exists. It prevails. It lives and breathes. It doesn't die. No, it hasn't died in me. Even though he's one to drive me crazy, and sometimes I really do want to take a wall to my head and smash it a couple of times...I can't hate him. I can't hurt him. I get annoyed and kind of testy with him. But I care what he thinks about me.

And he miss me. Yay! :)