Live, Laugh, Love

Life should be, naturally, about living and should be about laughter and love. I do live contrary to your belief that I do not, you believe that I am crying which you know what...I happen to be doing so at the moment but I am a strong person and crying now and then is okay. I had been living though, I lived with friends, they loving me and I loving them and we shared laughs together. Four days of sunshine, immense heat, intense humidity and sunscreen, of waiting in lines and screaming on rides. We were children again, the four of us, running around happily without any supervision and with no one but ourselves to look after. It was a beautiful moment that I could share with them, but in the quiet moments when we were tired and I was tired and all shields were down and suddenly I was vulnerable. I thought of you. Then noticed that among the throngs of children and parents, the children screaming and sobbing, the parents tired and probably on the verge of doing those two things themselves, I saw complete families or people in pairs and I while I miss being with someone and I contemplate my future with someone who does not have a shred of your likeness or being, but I miss you all the same.

It's here that I write about my innermost thoughts, feelings and emotions when I do not want to share it with anyone in particular. I write. It's my way of healing, it's my way of thinking. I don't have to explain myself. Nobody's listening anyway. And frankly if they are, I don't give a damn. I don't have to explain myself to anybody.

I miss you. It makes me sad you deleted me off LinkedIn. In this age it's really pathetic how sad that can make a person, but to be fair I deleted you also. Not to out-do you but to save myself from temptation but I still hurt knowing we have no connection to one another...I mean what does it matter? These "connections" are just symbolic, it's pathetic and it's stupid. It's a way of keeping tabs on a person, but it's the real effort that speaks more than ever. It's the fact we won't call, we won't text, we won't write each other, you won't drive to me and show up on my doorstep. I won't see you and you won't see me. I won't hear from you even though I long to hear you, see you, smell you. I want to feel you, the weight of your living body in my presence, because I want to know how you are, how you are living and breathing and know you'll be with me. Not knowing how you are doing, I feel like your parents when you don't speak to them.

I feel lost and anxious and worried. I feel scared that you are forsaking me. That you are shaming our relationship, what sacred emotions and feelings and intimate bond we had. I know you are more like me than you claim to be. I know you are. That scares you.

I see you are online. You could be doing work. Watching soccer. The same old videos you watch over and over again. Flirting with some girl. Watching porn. Or you could be trying to forget me.

But I know it won't work. It doesn't work like that. You think I am. I'm not trying to forget you. I am trying to live without you.