One day

One day you'll appreciate with the most genuine feeling how much you were loved, cherished and missed by me. I know this because you have told me things in confidence, you have told me how much you dislike yourself or are hurt by things you act like you are invincible to.

You say that I am stressful, too emotional and not worth it, but I know it's because you're just tired. And you're weak. You don't want to feel bad or feel anything really because it's "too much." You won't admit it even to yourself like other people I let go of that you're selfish. It's funny I am accused of the very same thing but the big difference is, I am willing to feel things that you will not. I will feel for you a love that you probably won't ever understand. Maybe not until it's too late or maybe you do now and I'll never know. I have my suspicions though and things you've said to me. You confessed not long ago you always loved me.

I think you do. You won't admit it to me or maybe even yourself because you're a jerk and lazy and an ass. But I love you all the same. I think you're annoyed hearing it because you don't want to remember what you're losing. But you are losing.

I am losing someone that I love but you are losing someone who loves you. I love how imperfect you are and for all the stupid things you say, not the heartless things because those are despicable, but for the stupidity that makes you a human male. And in my opinion that makes you even more stupid than the lot of humanity because...Let's face it, most of the most stupid things, heartless things were mostly done by men. Just saying.

Like this for good example. You leaving me. I mean I agreed to it. Again. But you wanted and you convinced and now you make me pay for agreeing to it.

I don't think you'll ever understand and well that's okay because it means that, it is proof that I probably have a deeper capacity and much much larger heart that you do. It means that even with the conditions it takes to love you that I still do. No matter how many times you drove me up a wall or how many times I wanted to throw myself under a train or step on glass because I just wanted OUT of the emotions you drove in me and made me feel, but you know what...Instead I cried. I did not do drugs or sex or alcohol. I just cried. And you were never ever thankful or understanding.

You probably would have cried too. If you could even dare to empathize. You say "thanks" when I say "I love you." I think a book mocked a person for doing that. One day I think you will come to me and tell me once again like you have before, "I confess...I always loved you" and by that time, I think my friends will be right and I will just say to you as gently as I can because I know when I say it you will be crushed like I was years ago, "Thank you."

And when I say it you probably will feel it, but you won't understand it. When I say "thank you" I will be telling you, "I appreciate your feelings. It makes me happy knowing that I have confirmed my suspicions. I knew it all along. But it's not the right time now. It's too late. I am sorry, but it's to late. But in my past when I was 19, when I was 20 and then 21 and then the last time at 22, in those memories and in those past years while we were together, I loved you."

One day I know this may happen whether it is in a dream or an imagined conversation one of us conjures up in our head. Or perhaps one day I will see you again, somewhere not here, but somewhere else. And you will say this.

Maybe. One day.

I think the reason you keep telling me not to say anything or accusing me of being depressed is because you don't want it yourself. Because if you were strong enough to bear it. You couldn't. I am stronger than you. And others that I let go. Far stronger though you would never know it because you assume crying connotes weakness or depression, but even though you may not be an addict, you are just a mean person telling a person who is in love with you that they are in fact, "weak" "depressed" "stressful" "not worth it" and one day you will have to live with yourself for telling me that. "Get a hold of yourself." Telling me that without me you are "happy" "relaxed" because I was "not worth it."

You are in denial. You poor creature. One day, when somebody makes you feel disgusted with yourself and points out all of your imperfections. Remember, will you? Will you remember? How I told you whenever you feel that way, you are loved by me?

I can't believe you would tell me I was not worth it. I wonder when that will come to bite you in the ass. Will it be when someone YOU finally think you are in love with? Rejects you?

Will you come to me in pieces and I will feel nothing but this anger in me although I will empathize but then I will tell you, "Congratulations. Now you are me." But you won't. You will just blame the other person. You will tell yourself she didn't even deserve you. Because you are too afraid to just cry.

I'm certain that one day you will be wishing the same things I wish of you right now. I am not even sure I believe that you in fact say what you mean and mean what you say.

I don't think you can comprehend or care to, what I mean what I say that I love you and that I care for you. And that these feelings will endure time and all the of the meanest, most inconsiderate and harsh things you have ever told me. I forgive you.

One day.