Recovered from Tumblr: Buddy and Me

I find it funny when people resemble their pets and pets resemble their people. It can be appearance but it’s also behavior. Dogs pick up on neurotic habits or bursts of anger or in the case that I realized with my own dog, my Buddy. However, I know for a fact I look nothing like my dog. And it was up until recently that I used to think, “Oh god if anybody thought I resembled Buddy, I’d be smelly and kind of…well not very smart.”

I realize that Buddy and I are profoundly more alike than previously believed. Thankfully I am more hygienic and well just smart enough to get by, but I realize that neither he nor I were someone’s first choice. We weren’t wanted the first, the second or the third time. I wonder if he remembers his previous homes and the shelters he was confined in. I wonder if he was sad in the same way I am knowing what happiness is but can only remember it. His absolute devotion and unconditional nature gives me reassurance where people cannot.

He knows no anger, harbors no resentment. Fools are people who believe animals are incapable of emotion or memory. They cannot recollect in words or ways that humans can always correctly interpret or affirm, but they remember. And they feel. I admire Buddy because he is capable of things I am not able to do. He is able to be happy and is completely blissful. The pure joy I experience is simply from watching him run. When he gallops around on an open field, that’s when I can really feel my heart lift.

I wish I was able to be that happy and just not think. He thinks. I know he does. But I don’t believe he is wondering what his previous people are up to and worrying if they think of him or if they ever loved him. I know he is often wondering, “I want food”, “Where is she?”, “I need to shit”, “DOG!” Simple, but thoughts nonetheless.

His devotion, his complete lack of judgement, his love and his unconditional ability are all things that I crave from DB but I cannot have. I don’t know what I would do without Buddy. He saved me from falling apart after Jennifer died, she was my first dog and my first real love. Buddy is a partner where Jennifer was the way I breathed. Her death marked the end of a era of my life, it made me alone in a way I had never been before until now.

DB has left a huge gaping wound that spills over my thoughts and my peace with puss and blood, festering and torturing me because all that is in my heart is love that will never be able to grow for him. It is then that I look to Buddy and wish so mightily that DB had been more like Buddy: absolute and resolute in his place by my side. I can only hope that I will be loved like the way Buddy loves me and the way I can love DB.

I didn’t need DB. I wanted him. I wanted Buddy but came to need him. I always need the companionship and support of an animal, of a dog. Buddy is therapeutic, he’s not a therapy dog mind you, but his presence is calming. It is comforting to know that when I am engulfed in the confines of my nightmarish mind when I am just trying to rest, that he is in the room with me and he is there, and no demons can haunt me because he’s with me. I’m not alone. I’m not vulnerable prey. I’m not alone.
We may not be the best or very smart or exceptionally good looking or having any kind of natural talent that would be impressive or unique enough to win us regard or notoriety or in my case, a job or something like that…But we are loving. I may be messed up and suffering and upset, but it’s because

I love, because I’m in love.

That’s the fucked up part isn’t it?

I feel betrayed and was I was hurt and this is the reaction and this is the result. Buddy is admirable and so resilient in a way even other dogs are not. I understand now why dogs get to be so closed up and shut down and grow to be aggressive out of fear. That’s exactly how I feel. I feel sensitive and as if I constantly have to protect myself. I cannot construe what is safe and what is not, if someone is attacking me or trying to help me. I just don’t trust my instincts anymore. I just don’t trust. Not even my parents with whom I actually have a good, solid relationship with. I don’t trust my mom when she says, “I’ll never leave you. I love you no matter what.”

All I hear is a temporary saying and something that can be taken away and taken back. I don’t hear truth. I don’t hear confidence and or something that will be there when I am not perfect or happy.
I am angry. I get really angry. Or really sad. My screams turn into sobs very quickly. Irrational and without understanding. And I just think. This is why he left you. Why she left you. Why they left you. This is why they will leave you. While nobody will want to know you. Because look at you. You’re crying. You’re screaming.

I’ve been told you’re too angry, too bitter, too intolerant, not right, too emotional, too selfish…All of my demons have faces and the voice of them, DB, Olivia and even my parents. My mom. And some of my friends who keep telling me to date or just move on…

Yet as disgusting, worthless and “flying off the handle” (as my dad loves to say) as I’ve been told…Buddy is still here and still attached to me as ever. And ironically even though my parents sometimes are the reason I feel so bad about myself, it was both of my parents who said when I was sobbing on the floor one of many times this year, and I cried, “Why does Buddy still like me? Why is he still here?”

They said, “Because he’s smart. That’s why.”

I want impossible things. I don’t want to work at changing myself. I don’t want to. I’m done. I’m tired. I’m through. I want impossible things. I wish people, my friends, my family, DB…I wish they would love me even when I’m pathetic and when I’m happy and never ever leave.
I don’t know what I’m going to do without Buddy. He’s the only one I know who won’t ever leave and who never says I’m fat or too loud or too sad or not happy enough or that I should start dating.

He just loves and never says.