Recovered from Tumblr

I am not going on the blind date anymore, because I decided last night I wasn’t ready. I am just still so inherently loyal and devoted to DB. He used to tell me that he wished we had met when he was 30 (5 years from now) because he would have married me on the spot. My mom innocently suggested as we were having a heart to heart that I reach out to him and propose the idea of just meeting to see where we are in life 5 years from now.

So against “better judgment” or varying opinions, I called him. And things did not go well. I probably should not have said anything about the date. I know I shouldn’t have just as I should never have accepted the idea of going on it to begin with. I told him, because I did not want him to find out and believe I did it because I wanted revenge or wanted to spite him or that I did not care.

I initially said yes because DB kept saying “be positive” and I thought I should be open minded and I should try to move on. This is a step towards a new life, in addition to my new, first job. I also did it because…Well DB did not want to be with me. Which he declared quite vehemently on the phone.
I wonder the sound of a breaking heart would be. But I imagine crying is a good indicator.
He told me to “fuck off” at one point. “To leave him alone.” I just felt like an idiot, like one of those crazy ex girlfriends who won’t let go. But I’m not. He was not just my first love or I his, he was not the object of infatuation because he was the “first of everything.” It was real. I invested, he invested so much.

I decided to go on that blind date, because he did not want to be with me. He told me was going to go for someone else and that he was thinking of other women. It’s inevitable I suppose, that’s how break ups are. Ugly. And the former can try to be friends but it probably will not work. To each their own. In the end, we left as usual. And he, got want he wanted. He always gets what he wants. And I let him do it, because I love him enough to let him go.

But I am the one who loses. I’d like to think that it was for the best. But I know he made a mistake. What I gave him was the kind of love, the kind of loyalty, the kind of honesty, the kind of devotion that people write about, that people dream about, that people want so badly and so many people deserve. So many people on Tumblr I see, some of the people who follow me. My gut tells me you are like me and these people, I will not say do not deserve us or you can do better because that hurts more than anything, to have the person YOU love be put down…I will just say that I think they are making a mistake. And I hope for all of us they will realize it.

For our sake though, I wish us love. I wish that one day I will not feel so deeply and be grieving still. I want to be happy again like I was when DB and I had the best of times and even before that, even before I met him. I am very happy to be single, I love being among friends. Dating and relationships in general are not really my thing. I do not miss having a partner, I miss just DB. The idea of a partner is something I can do without, I like singularity so long as I have companions and a dog.
The thought of him with someone else makes me so very sad. Because I wish he could appreciate me and how human I am. How I am not perfect and embrace it and love it and want to be with me. But he doesn’t. And what can you do?

I have to keep going with this DB shaped hole in me. I don’t want to cover it up in other men or addictions or distractions. I’ll live with it. And one day the tears will just dry up and things, eventually, will get better.