My Broken Heart and I Agree...

I wish you love.

Today at 5 pm I was supposed to go on a blind date with a friend of a friend of Diane's (I know quite a mouthful and try to follow along) to go mini golfing. After a couple of days of intense worry, last night I told Diane I had to cancel the date. Why? Because I am not ready to be the fulfillment of some stranger's intense excitement, their desire and their fantasy. Mostly excitement. I am not ready. Why? Because I am still very devoted, still so loyal to Dhruv. I have no moral obligation or reason to be loyal to him anymore because like he has a few time since we had initially first parted in January, he decided to break it off. Again.

So I had went on to accept this date because I have to say I was flattered that a guy found me to be attractive and that he was excited to meet me. But it was also that excitement that scared me. It just wore me down as it became more and more fear and I found myself less enthralled with the date. I also felt this deep feeling of knowing that Dhruv would become enraged if he found out and while we had been not speaking for two months, he could not let his own curiosity of how my life was going and checked my Facebook. I did not want him to find out online and have him draw conclusions so against better judgement or others' differing opinions (only my mom knew) I decided to tell him while also making a proposal based on something he had often said, "If I had met you when I was thirty I would have married you on the spot" so it got me to thinking...What if we reunited five years later? When he was thirty?

I left him a voicemail and instead of having a calm, collected conversation it just descended into a bitter arguement in which he said many hurtful things.

"Fuck off."
"My life is none of your business."
"Do whatever you want I don't care what you do."
"I don't want anything to do with you."
"Just leave me alone."
"You're too emotional."
"I want to be with someone else."
"I think I will go for someone else."
"I want to be thinking of other girls. I am thinking of other girls."

And tonight, after not speaking for an entire day he left a message on my phone to inform me that he in fact never wants to be with me ever. Period. Because I had significantly wasted his time and that I had hurt him because I had gone on a date three days after we broke up.

But we did not just break up. We broke up in January and I have never wanted to break up. He wanted to break up. Each and every time. And I let him because I love him enough to let him go.

I went on this date partially for myself but also for him. He had said before he descended into this "madness" of anger that he unfortunately has shown a few times, no, many times that he wanted me to be positive and be happy. He wanted me to move on because well...that is what he was doing. And he had often said he was happy. Without me. I believed it was the right thing to do. Go out on a date where I had complete agency to say "yay" or "nay" to this potential suitor (go mini golfing, the least sexy date one can possibly imagine) because D had made it vehemently clear that he "wanted nothing to do with me" and wanted to end the relationship. He did not want me.

So I went. Not whole heartedly. Not in the least. I do not think he understands how much of an asshole he is and I hope he realizes it one day. That I love him and I remain so loyal and so devoted to the point where I just canceled the date.

But nevertheless, he left messages for me this evening telling that even if I did not go on the date it "doesn't matter much." He never wants to me with me ever again.

I broke down. I just sank to the floor. My mom saw the messages first and knew it was him although she did not want it to be. My dad held me as I cried and cried and cried. And I told my mom that she should please call him and tell him not to say those things. She did not need much prompting, she called him and spoke briefly to him. He of course said not much but what he did say was defensive and tried to validate putting the blame on me which of course she pointed out that he was the one who wanted the relationship to effectively end so he got what he wanted and now has to leave me alone. It is true. He is behaving in a completely ludicrous way. Absolutely unloving and absurd.

I fear that he thinks I am a slut. That he will slut shame me. He will bad mouth me to all his friends. And he will be true to word.

Of course, now I believe as hard as it is for me that we will never, ever be together even if he is a reformed man because what he has done and said can never be erased or forgotten. I can forgive but I will never forget what he said. It hurts so deeply. It does not erase my memories of him or the fact that I love him dearly and care about him so much more than he deserves.

I do fear that he may never come to see the light and grieve over the losses he has created. I fear that he will just fill the hole I left in him with other women, with sex and with the pure arrogance he has a knack for. I fear all of that. I fear the day I am no longer loved, appreciated, special or cared about by him. People say one day that I won't care and...I don't believe it. I believe that maybe it will no matter as much, but after all I invested in him, I will be hurt by it.

I will be hurt because I know that I will always love him. My love will not die, but it will not grow either. It will become embers then sparks, but maybe not draw the fire that it once did. It will not consume me. But it will live in that hole that he left behind. I won't fill it with dirt and garbage. I'll plant the emptiness with friends, with family, with work, with adventures, with puppies, with new memories. I have learned that I have a great capacity to love in a way that is loyal and true and without condition. I have learned that I have it in me and I learned that I am a very strong person because I loved him after all.  You have to be strong and you have to have a big heart and you have to have seeming endless reserves of patience and understanding. You must have that ALL in order to love him. If you are missing one or have one and not the other...Then you cannot love him. That is how you love anyone, but especially someone who is as difficult as he is.

I know I have made mistakes but I have never made a mistake in the relationship that ever deserved to be told such things. I deserve to be loved. I deserve a partner who can equally supply me with the same kind of supportive, patience, tolerance, love, loyalty, honesty and virtuous behavior I will give. I should get as much as I give. I invested everything in him, as did my parents and so little did we benefit in return, but without complaint. So many friends and family members speculated, hated and dismissed him. They criticized him and critiqued our relationship to the point where I was so hurt. It's the point where my parents are convinced he will never ever be happy in life and let alone with another human being to share it with.

I want to believe that is true, the angry part of me. Another part wishes for him to be happy. But I admit I do not want him to happy, without me. Because whether or not he thinks of it now while he is feeling more like an asshole than the guy I love, I am someone he will never ever find again. No one person will ever love him the way that I do. I am the only one.

I am trying not to let what he said hurt me anymore than it has initially because he has said things like this in the past and come to regret it and apologized. And while my mom even requested for him to not to speak to me, he did right after anyway. So who knows?

I painfully admit that while I still linger for a future together, my broken heart and I agree that D and I can never be.