I have got to stop listening to you
I'm having one of those days when I need to recover from coming down from a high. I was so happy for four days and now I've hit a bump in the road and I'm on my hands and knees, crawling slowly towards the brighter part of life, with scrapped knees.
I have got to stop listening to the part of you that is still in my head and in my heart. The one that got me to fall for you in the first place, because I know how you did it. You were persistent and you persevered. You were kind, charming and loving and suddenly you took it all away. Just when you got me to invest in you. You lost someone that loved you but I lost someone that I loved. I made the mistake of reminding myself why I love you. I found a folder that contained old emails and text messages you sent to me. Such loving words. Words I think I'll never hear from you again.
It brings back wonderful memories and instead of doing everything I can to forget they existed and drink myself into a stupor. I remember them. And yes I am crying but I am strong enough to cry and stronger enough to write and strongest enough to remember and to remain loyal and true to my sentiments that make me a very complete, very happy human being. I am happy knowing I am inherently flawed because I am human and that I do make mistakes and that it is all because I am who I am. I am a wonderful person with a deep capacity to love. If you cannot see past the mistakes I make on the occasion and the amount of my loyalty and devotion that I showed you for two years, I don't know how you will ever go on with your life as a decent human being knowing that you screwed me.
Yes you did. You got me to fall in love with you and now you tell me it wasn't worth it because I apparently make you unhappy because you think I cry too much although it never crossed your mind you were the reason I cry so much. You depress me. You depressed me. And instead of sucking it up, instead of trying to not say things that would make me cry and make me laugh and smile and be happy, I know you tried, but you didn't succeed.
I tried and I didn't succeed but I don't even know how it was possible because you know...I don't know if anybody can ever win with you. Except Football Gods. They are the only ones. Humans just don't cut it for you. I don't cut it with you. I wasn't perfect. Perfect is a myth and therefore you love people who don't exist. Even these Football Gods don't exist as you perceive them. They are lying, cheating scoundrels like all the rest of the men and women and people in the world. You were a difficult idiot and made it very tough for me and yet I was with you for about two years before I decided to leave. Do you realize that?
You should appreciate it. You can't even appreciate me and as mad and frustrated and betrayed and upset as I am with you right this very moment, I can still tell you and tell everyone why I love you and why I appreciated you.
And you were right before you descended into your natural asshole tendencies, I have every right to be mad at you. Every right to drag you through the dirt, your wrists bound together and your body being torn up by the earth clawing at your flesh to make it clean off your bones, as I drag your living carcass behind the footfalls of a running horse. Why?
Because I love you and you hurt me and you were mean to me.
You were mean to me right until the end when we last drew breath to speak to each other and the last of our iron drew keys to our touch on those stupid phones that connected us.
You were mean. You cannot deny that.
I admit I was wrong sometimes and you were too. But I never was mean to you and meant it. You meant to hurt me. Or even if you didn't. You knowingly did it. You never have patience for me or for anyone who isn't up to your standards. Impossible standards. And yet you admit I may be the only woman in your lifetime who will put up with you with as much love and respect and loyalty and devotion as I did. You will never find a woman who genuinely cared so much for you as me with a smoking hot body and brains to match. NO. Those things don't just get packaged in every person you meet. They don't. And you know it.
I have got to stop listening to the part of you that is still in my head and in my heart. The one that got me to fall for you in the first place, because I know how you did it. You were persistent and you persevered. You were kind, charming and loving and suddenly you took it all away. Just when you got me to invest in you. You lost someone that loved you but I lost someone that I loved. I made the mistake of reminding myself why I love you. I found a folder that contained old emails and text messages you sent to me. Such loving words. Words I think I'll never hear from you again.
It brings back wonderful memories and instead of doing everything I can to forget they existed and drink myself into a stupor. I remember them. And yes I am crying but I am strong enough to cry and stronger enough to write and strongest enough to remember and to remain loyal and true to my sentiments that make me a very complete, very happy human being. I am happy knowing I am inherently flawed because I am human and that I do make mistakes and that it is all because I am who I am. I am a wonderful person with a deep capacity to love. If you cannot see past the mistakes I make on the occasion and the amount of my loyalty and devotion that I showed you for two years, I don't know how you will ever go on with your life as a decent human being knowing that you screwed me.
Yes you did. You got me to fall in love with you and now you tell me it wasn't worth it because I apparently make you unhappy because you think I cry too much although it never crossed your mind you were the reason I cry so much. You depress me. You depressed me. And instead of sucking it up, instead of trying to not say things that would make me cry and make me laugh and smile and be happy, I know you tried, but you didn't succeed.
I tried and I didn't succeed but I don't even know how it was possible because you know...I don't know if anybody can ever win with you. Except Football Gods. They are the only ones. Humans just don't cut it for you. I don't cut it with you. I wasn't perfect. Perfect is a myth and therefore you love people who don't exist. Even these Football Gods don't exist as you perceive them. They are lying, cheating scoundrels like all the rest of the men and women and people in the world. You were a difficult idiot and made it very tough for me and yet I was with you for about two years before I decided to leave. Do you realize that?
You should appreciate it. You can't even appreciate me and as mad and frustrated and betrayed and upset as I am with you right this very moment, I can still tell you and tell everyone why I love you and why I appreciated you.
And you were right before you descended into your natural asshole tendencies, I have every right to be mad at you. Every right to drag you through the dirt, your wrists bound together and your body being torn up by the earth clawing at your flesh to make it clean off your bones, as I drag your living carcass behind the footfalls of a running horse. Why?
Because I love you and you hurt me and you were mean to me.
You were mean to me right until the end when we last drew breath to speak to each other and the last of our iron drew keys to our touch on those stupid phones that connected us.
You were mean. You cannot deny that.
I admit I was wrong sometimes and you were too. But I never was mean to you and meant it. You meant to hurt me. Or even if you didn't. You knowingly did it. You never have patience for me or for anyone who isn't up to your standards. Impossible standards. And yet you admit I may be the only woman in your lifetime who will put up with you with as much love and respect and loyalty and devotion as I did. You will never find a woman who genuinely cared so much for you as me with a smoking hot body and brains to match. NO. Those things don't just get packaged in every person you meet. They don't. And you know it.
posted by Chinny at
2:40 PM
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