Where I am know and where I was and now I wonder where the hell I'm going...

I can't exactly remember a year go where I was on this date. I guess if I tried hard enough and was really anal about it, I could relocate my old planner and look through this here blog to figure out what the hell I was doing today...a year ago. I know for a fact that a year ago I was hired at the same company I am going to intern at again this summer and a year ago I had not yet met him but I heard Olivia was coming and I was excited, because I knew it was going to be an exciting summer, but I just didn't know how exciting. And now it is well almost a year later or at least a significant amount of months later, the situation is...strangely similar. I mean with of course significant differences.

OK.

I know that people around me are falling around me and crashing. I don't really know what to do or what not to do and so I resolved to stay out of it. Is that selfish? I mean I am right here and I am not going anywhere. I do go home but I am not gone forever. Things at home are better. So things are almost the same as they were before. But I have to say after a single email exchange with a friend, I am wondering if the decisions I'm making will get me where I want to go or better yet...where the hell am I going anyway? I mean I think this is a universal and nonexclusive question that I am certain everybody I know my age at this point in our young lives wants to know. Desperately wants to know.

I had a plan, it was just a plan and well so far it is...working for me? I hoped to get the internship last year. Got it. Then hoped to get the internship again and I got it again. I am really upset though because I wanted my friend to get the internship too. Friends. It's frustrating. I know she is really disappointed and again I am in a situation/I am in a position where I invalidate everybody. It's upsetting because I don't know if anybody would believe I am empathetic. Or capable of being so because...I'll just say here, can of worms. Enough said.

I acknowledge I am lucky and fortunate enough that my parents have their health at the moment and so does Lianne and Buddy is still kicking. That stupid oaf, I love him so fucking much. I worry about him all the time and how he is impacting my family. My dad keeps getting sick sometimes and that puts so much pressure on my mom because she is the only able bodied person in the house. Lianne is still too young. She seems younger than her age. Does that make any sense at all? She's going to high school this fall. I can scarcely believe it. Crazy how much time has gone by.

It will be another four years until my parents are home alone. Lianne is really smart and I know she wants to go somewhere in life, but on the other hand...I am concerned about her future. I need a job really badly after graduation which is why this internship was crucial. I need to start making money as soon as I can to help support my family and begin to put money aside for...I know it's weird but my retirement but more importantly start helping out my dad will bills AND get Lianne's education fund started since my undergraduate education ate up a TON of money from my parents'.

Given everything that happened in my life and all the changes I've undergone and the friends that have come and gone or I don't even know who really is around anymore or who wants me around anymore, I wonder where the hell we're all going. I wonder if I'll be able to keep up with people after graduation. I want to, but people don't always talk to me now so I guess...Who knows? It's exciting and terrifying simultaneously.

I wonder if I'll even be able to get out for one thing. I am SO behind in projects. There is so much crap to do. I shouldn't be writing here, but I felt the urge to write. It's noon and I have class in an hour or so. I need to figure out what I'll do for lunch.

At least the summer is figured out, but it makes me uneasy because I know in order to get to the summer I have to get out of Junior year first. Definitely not going to be able to get A's like I did last semester. I mean not to jinx myself, but these classes are HARD. Every year it gets more challenging but seriously. SO MUCH HARDER.

Next year classes + senior thesis.

Going to freak out. And I need to exercise. I should have taken 2 PE classes. Maybe I'll audit a class or something...Or just be better at exercising. I really should be. This summer everything else I should do, I should go to the gym everyday. It was weird but when I went last year, Dad said some of the employees began to ask about me. SO weird. I didn't even realize they knew we were related. I mean I don't think we ever went to the gym together...sometimes he'd happen to be there when I was, but yeah how they made that connection I'll never know. Did they look us up? Employee...stalking? Bizarre.

I wonder what this summer will be like. New job, new co workers, different crop of interns and Diane won't be there. Olivia might not be here either. Dhruv will be and since the dynamics have changed, it's really exciting. I feel sort of nervous for some reason. I mean, I'm an intern again. And this is how we met and there are more interns. I don't know. It makes me feel weird.

I think it's the stories I've been reading lately. I'm reading a story written by one of my classmates about a couple who winds up ruining their longterm partnership because one of them begins to fantasize about cheating on a loved one and then does it after their partner cheats. And this is after reading "Shortcomings" which makes me even more weird. People are weird. I don't understand people at all. Why they do the things they do?

Now don't get me wrong, I have no idea how the summer will be...But I am determined that it will be awesome!  Fiction is fiction. And I am a worry wart. Bad combination. I know what we are and how we're doing. We're doing really well. People always ask how we're doing. Just saying "fine" or "really well" doesn't seem to do justice. We're very happy. That is almost the best thing to say, even though it's not enough. Or at least that's what I think.

I am so happy.