Wow...Just wow

I was reading and mostly scrolling through the latter parts of my blog posts from June 2011 to present...I can definitely see the shift in my moods. I see the patterns. Happy. Sad. Happy. Depressed. Happy. Chaotic. Distressed. You get the idea. I mean wow. Since last Friday I haven't been on the pill. I've been using something that I never ever thought I'd want. Ironically it was the first thing that we saw together when we were scrolling on his smart phone looking at options on PP online and it was the same thing that Olivia was trying out over the summer but decided against. I wonder how things would have been if I had used it all along. I would have saved so many tears, so many infinite ups & downs and recently, arguments that were totally unnecessary and sort of weird pseudo-blame that was based on non-true facts.

Anyway, who knows it if will work out forever but for now, it is a viable option and I have felt very calm. Very mellow and frankly, more like me. I mean there are things I still don't like, but I am not falling to pieces. I am not fixating. I'm just sort of here. Not like wistfully yearning or obsessing or worrying. I'm just here. And happy. And hungry. Yeesh I wonder if this is affecting my appetite at all.

Another spring! Well, it's actually pretty damp and dank outside. It was raining and I don't have a good rain jacket and I'm being rebellious and refusing my umbrella because I hate it. It's animal print which I do not care for. AND it's horrid. I mean it's so tiny and it doesn't work. I really want my other umbrella back but I think my mom kidnapped it. But hey! It's spring! Which means tomorrow is the Black & White Ball. Fabulous.

I have a date. At least I hope I still do, I know he hasn't forgotten but I really feel like...Well I don't want things to be perfect. They won't be. Something won't be as the way I imagined, because of budget cuts or timing, but things will be great. I will look great and my friends will look great. It could rain tomorrow, but luckily I chose a pretty easy hairstyle and I have a coat and a stupid umbrella which I will begrudgingly use AND make up that is waterproof! So no make up runs or anything.

Nails are done.

I just still can't get over the pill thing. I mean I really do feel great. I haven't cried in a week! Wohoo! And yeah, D and I haven't talked for a day, but no worries. In fact I didn't realize I hadn't been thinking about him until this morning. Wow. Am I grown up or what?