The year turns round again

I feel some sort of great sense of relief right now. Like something can just be let go and sink into the earth and disappear into ash and smoke. To know that I'm not crazy or depressed by my own doing, is such a great relief. I knew something was wrong, it was a suspicion all along because I had no reason to be depressed. I never have had a reason to be depressed since the cancer went into remission, I made peace with the deaths that I experienced, I rescued Buddy and Dhruv rescued me. There is nothing damsel in distress or sexist about it. When you fall in love with someone you put yourself in this position where the other person could very well hurt you, but when they fall in love with you, they don't. They don't hurt you. He has never hurt me and instead has made me unbelievably happy. The last few months and the change in me that we both needed in order for our relationship to continue to grow and we in each other, well, that is what changed. That little pill. It made me tempestuous and mercurial. I had no control over myself unlike I would have had if I had been myself.

He said he was disappointed because he thought he could change me. Oh, but he has. I was never so happy with my body or proud of my breasts and able to say, "My vagina is beautiful." It was like a scene from the Vagina Monologues. I am beautiful, every part of me. All the lady parts. I don't think I could have ever written that without having met him. I was so disconnected from parts of my body and parts of myself I have long denied. My confidence in myself was shattered at times despite us being together. Due to bad friends and that fucking pill. There's still time. "Ain't over yet." As he said. He hasn't given up. He wants to be together and is willing to see this through. I am too. It will take the two of us. But I have so much hope right now, and this is coming from a pessimist.

We spent months together. And then months apart. We are together now and we should never forget that.

I know what I want and I know what I've said wasn't how I really felt. I do not think we shouldn't be together. I do think we should be together. I don't think we should be together if I was truly the person he believed me to be. If I was, I would have broken up with him because that isn't fair to ask him to be with a constantly depressed person, but that is not who I am.

I am not the saddest person he has ever met. I will show him.

I do have mood swings even without the pill. But I never showed them to him before, I always dealt with them in privacy and whenever I saw him. I forgot all about what I was upset about. He was all I could think about every time we were together.

I need to remind him of that.

He is willing to see me this weekend. My parents recommended when we are calm and happy, to tell him about the effects of the pills.