Still in love with you

It's amazing. I am so happy, even though I'm not jumping around giddily, because well...I feel more mature than I did ten months ago. I feel rather...saucy, I think that's a fair term. Seriously, no joke. I feel saucy.

I love the musical "CATS" from the genius, Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber. I love the book from T.S. Elliot, the book that inspired the musical called "Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats." I love it. The two cats who sing the duet piece, "Macavity" are called Bombalurina and Demeter. And saucy is the very word that is used to describe Bombalurina. I feel that way. I feel confident, for the first time in my life, or in more short respects, I feel so confident in our relationship. I look at him and yes, he and I banter sometimes about who we find attractive and what not...But I know he's not going to leave me for some big boobed bimbo or a skinnier prettier person. I know he won't and it isn't because he says he won't. It's because he says, "You're one of the best things that happened in my life" or "I could lay like this for hours" or how he wants me to come to him and hold him when he's not feeling well and it's me that he seeks out. It's because he says, "We should live together sometime."

And how he remembers the feelings I once had for another person in my young life, the only other time I was in love, or so I thought, and how he feels a little jealous. It's more than that I think. I was very surprised when he admitted this last night, which feels like a weird dream. I told him the truth, "There's only one person growing in my heart." It's really cheesy but it's the truth. He is the only person I want and I need and I seek for respect, love and happiness. He is the person I want to commit to me with loyalty, with health, with honesty and with love. Yeah yeah yeah I know it's cheesy as fuck, but it's all true and well expressing love always seems to come out dishonest and flowery. I mean...Not always but when it doesn't, that's when I sit down and listen because I want to hear something honest and down to earth. I don't need a fairytale world to occupy with him, I would like to make a world with him. Some little place where we can be happy, honest, loyal and loving and share.

Getting back to saucy...

I feel sexy. I mean really. I am very proud of my breasts which I have to say have become rather more magnificent if I do say so myself. I rather appreciate the shape and size, which needless to say I have no always appreciated. I specifically recall when I'd only wear sports bras in middle school and defiantly wanted to outdo puberty by wishing I was flat chested. Well, I have to say...I am very happy now that I appreciate my body. Yes, not only parts of my body. I don't want him to receive all the credit about me loving my body, but he has reinforced these feelings. Going to a women's college has made me proud of my body. Including my vagina. And to hell with waxing and shaving. It hurts and I am a grown woman. Grown women should not have to make themselves look like prepubescent little girls. I find it really creepy actually. I don't know why it suddenly became so unpalatable right this now, but it is. There is very wrong about partners telling partners how their bodies should look and trying to control their image. There is a very perverse about people controlling images. Stereotypes. Professor C says she wants to eliminate that word in favor of "controlling images."

Seriously. I am legitimately freaked out. I mean clipping and preening thine self is not bad especially if you have a...bush? But yeah. Don't let some guy tell you want to do down there. Nobody should shit on your lawn, even your own dog. Or in our case, my mom is growing potatoes on what used to be our lawn...

So in other words. I feel saucy. I feel powerful and funny and like I can run you over. Well not always, but I feel more balanced than I was months ago when I was on medication. I just feel more in tune with my body and far more fond of it than I ever have been. I don't think it's something that will disappear now that I've discovered it, it's a permanent gift. I had some assistance in becoming happier and safer in my skin, I do give credit where it is due, he has helped me very much. I appreciate it. I feel more adventurous. I feel like wearing spectacular clothes and make up not because I am hiding behind a mask or I am ashamed of my body or even that I need a man to validate me...I just am sick of calling myself a "whale" because I am a little rolly polly when I bend over and a little wobblier than I would have preferred, but I am healthy. I am able to eat. I don't have perfect teeth but I have great skin. I am pretty proportional and I like my hair and I love my freckles. I think the color of my hair is exciting and even more so because I didn't have to dye it to get it there.

Arugh...spending so much money lately. I feel bad. BAD. NEED A JOB! I wish the internship people would get back to be pronto. I am SO nervous.

I can't believe it...We have reached ten months! Ten months!

It is March now and we met May 16th of last year. March, April and May. Another two months until the first time we met, exactly one year ago and then two months later, when we decided to begin dating. Things were so bad when we got within close proximity of one another given the distance, the space unoccupied between one state and all the way across to the other.

And well NO. I actually CAN believe we reached ten months because we focused so much on the relationship and each other that little things were overlooked.