A little lull

This may be a little bit of a mood swing, I mean not that it was unexpected since I knew and you knew and well anybody who has been on hormone based contraceptives know, that hormones will be hormones. Chemical imbalances are bound to occur. I'm wondering if this is what it is like. I'm so much more aware of my feelings. A few times yesterday when I was reminiscing aloud with Dhruv about how far we'd come, I felt a little bleary eyed. However, I haven't really slept a good solid ten or so hours all week long so I'm wondering if that may be a contributory factor to my feeling of well...I suppose "deflatedness" could be a good term although that is probably not a real word. In short, I'm just tired. I have had a fun three days or so doing modesty hard work and having a ball (quite literally) in my fancy clothes, with my friends and Dhruv.

I realized I don't really like the term boyfriend/girlfriend still. I prefer partner. I think Dhruv does too since he had on an off day of ours, said he wanted someone who "would have his back."

We had a great time. I realized I've never danced with a guy before. I mean a guy that I have feelings for and someone who reciprocated my feelings and it was consensual and enjoyable. But we had fun. I also realized from looking at all the pictures that surfaced on FB...Wow my friends and I are some good looking people. And also. I was once ridiculed in high school for a lack of significant chests....Um. To be very frank, when I was looking at myself in the pictures I was rather surprised...My chest is really not that small so I don't know what she was talking about. I felt really sexy and I knew it. I know it now. I felt really confident and happy. And we were just dancing, not caring about anything around us.

Right now, I just feel sort of happy but really tired. And kind of just there. You know? I just feel like I'm existing. I felt like crying and laughing all at once. I feel like I need a shower. I had lunch. My head feels kind of heavy. I did some work for a solid hour and got up this morning and did some reading. I think I'll take a shower and try to finish editing. Or maybe I'll do that first and collect some notes. I need a nap. Argh! I have like 2 solid weeks of midterms and a sexy red dress in the mail. I have spring break to look forward to. I need to finish paintings for my relations and then get on my research papers and long term assignments. So much to do!

In all honesty I do feel better about myself. The pill I was once on, I haven't taken it for about a week now. Yep actually it's been a full week of being off the pill and being on the ring instead. I feel like maybe I am having a moment, but I am aware of my feelings. I am not going to reach out to Dhruv and avoid speaking with him until I am myself again and feeling more confident and less tired. Pretty much less likely to be bummed out by anything he says. Also I have too much to do and I know he is super busy. If he needs my help, I'll listen or help him out because he was going through some home issues lately.

Otherwise, gotta focus on me!