Reason and Recovery

For the longest time yesterday, it was a terrible day. Then at once everything was over and the day improved greatly. Not unlike the night before, he texted me. A slight variation of the text before, "Miss you" to "Mish you." However, short and brief, incomplete or not, it's a message that means something to me. I know he's busy and stressed and probably suffering as bad as I am. He probably can't talk at all, but I know I'm on his mind. He's on my mind, as known for those who dwell here. He is on my mind but in these last few weeks, only when things are very still and very quiet and I am completely, utterly alone in physical presence. These last two nights, I was awakened very early in the morning by his texts. The first one I didn't have difficulty answering. "Miss you." "I miss you."

But the second one, this morning. Well, I woke. And I couldn't really figure out what to say. See, last night I drank too much caffeine too late at night. Caffeine really screws with me. I'm still waiting for it to cycle out of my system. I was hyped up on it and trying to sleep. I slept badly and then I was woken up by the text. I knew it was him. Only he texts me that late at night and that early in the day. Nocturnal creature. "Mish you." Well, I didn't know quite what to say to that. I wanted to say so much more. I went to sleep and for some reason or another I missed more intensely than I usually do. These days I'm busy and he's busy, missing each other is a given, but missing is less painful and sort of brief, not long lasting. I mean well, missing is sort of built into a long distance relationship. Last night or rather, early this morning, I just felt it more intensely so it weighed on my eyes but they were open, the corners moist with emotion that condensed there. It sort of just fell out my eyes as I lay there very still.

So when I got "Mish you" which I interpret to me a sort of a bittersweet cute light message, I feel sort of weird now, but I did not respond in kind.

I said, "I ache for you/I am waiting for the time when we can see eachother again."

And like before, no response throughout the day. Just a message at night.

I ponder if I am too intense for him, because most male kind would have run by now. He says things like I do. He has said things like I have. He did first actually. He always went first. When I replied, I would timidly say, "Does that scare you?"

He always said, "No! Are you crazy?"

I can hear him say that, just when I think to myself this morning, I wonder if I scared him away. I mean, who knows. There is so much in silence and nothing at all too.

But why would he fear something like that? Especially when the feelings felt is mutual?

Just leave it to me, the worrywart to come up with ridiculous reasons or to seek out something to fear or be afraid of. The beautiful thing about him was that no matter what I had on my mind, I could just say it without fear or discomfort. I have never taken that for granted and I should not be scared now of whatever imaginary consequences I come up with for not just saying what I feel or what comes to mind. He has never been upset in the past when I have done so.

Do not let Technology Ruin Romance. Silence can mean anything, everything, but also nothing at all.

Our ages, the space between us is there, but is fairly insignificant although he is searching for work in the real world and I have this year and the next before that happens. He needs this time for himself.