Awkward Turtle

I think people are happy when their friends agree with them, especially when it comes to accepting significant others. You know, Life's Plus One? That person you always want to have with you and have a hard time separating from no matter where you are, even if you're in the same vicinity.

I had a chat with one of my very close friends and she agrees with me, neither one of us like to rave about men that much which is often construed as a complete lack of interest which probably doesn't help our "We-Swear-We're-Straight" issues with skeptics. Anyway, the point is that just because we're not fixated on male bodies and chatting non stop about our crushes and what not, doesn't mean we don't have them. I'm sure both of us can recall high school (maybe with more difficulty now because we're not thinking about them at all) crushes.

Mom was saying that if we became roommates and then one of us got into a relationship with a guy that the other one had difficulty or it was impossible to accept, than what would we do? What would become of The Pact? Well, neither one of us had a really good response to that. I sort of have one. If all of my friends or a friend that I completely trust as a good judgement of character has an issue with my boyfriend, well of course I'd be disappointed, because as I said earlier, we all want our friends to approve of of our boyfriends (family included in this)--I would try to figure out why. I figure if my boyfriend is not flying with one of my closest friends, there's something that I am overlooking. And before you come up with an argument, it's happened to me multiple times. I trust my judgement now more than I have before, but attraction makes you blind to reality sometimes and it helps to have a good dose of "tough love." You know? If your friends always agree with you, it's no good and frankly, I think it's fishy. Probably means they aren't really your friends because friends don't lie to you.

I needed some. God knows.

Still, I think it's becoming the most awkward thing to have a friend insist on getting my approval for whatever. It's like a dog or cat bringing you a rotting, bloodied dead carcass and expecting you to shower them in absolute affection and adoration while you're thinking, "What am I going to do with a half dead assortment of myriad rodents and birds in my house?" I sort of bumbled between lying and speaking my mind, both of which are unacceptable in my mind. So I had to come to an immediate compromise where I just sort of scrunched up my face and stared at the glaring computer screen and told a version of the truth. Don't get that confused with a white or bold faced lie. When I told her the truth, but in a way that wasn't a nasty shock like spilling hot coffee on yourself.

I said, "You're definitely the more attractive one." That's true.

I know she wants me to see how desirable he is. "Well he's dating you. You're dating him." I sort of tried to explain with some difficulty. Essentially what I tried to say is that it doesn't matter what I think, because they are dating each other. I'm not dating him, so it doesn't matter what I think about him and well, it's her decision so whatever she wants is what matters. I care too much and this is how it's supposed to be. I'm supposed to be neutral, not uncaring or indifferent, but not fall to pieces and let it all destroy me, consume me until I am in absolute agony.

I mean, I fully intend to keep up The Pact. I think it was the smartest decision to make for who I am now. I'm so lucky to have friends who understand me.

And then I'm confused. Because I should care. I mean, it's not wrong to care and to be worried. But it's not to ignore the latter and be uninvolved. She wants to involve me in the going-ons of her life and so I think I need to compromise more.

I realize more and more what I want and what I'm looking for in another person. It's funny to that that person a "mate", but I'm one of those mammals. I'm looking for an active partner. A real partner. Someone who pulls their own weight and helps to balance mine. Someone who wants me with them and vice versa. Love isn't external. Those things fade away. Someone who loves me not for my eyes or my hair, because one day I won't have either. Everything that I am will die one day, so they really can't love me for my physical matter. Something that transcends all that.

I will love that person for who they are, not for the body they animate. This creature that is unseen and but sensed far within them.