Who, What, Where, Why and How?

I'm not sure if I like the person I've become. I'm not sure if I like the person I am becoming. Or maybe it's too late for that. Maybe it's too late for any more changes, because what has been done is done and you cannot change the past. What you have to work with is the present and that will impact the future.

Although what you did in the past, that affects and influences, I imagine, future. Hypothetically? Potentially? Nothing is set in stone...right?

I'm not a fortune teller or a seer or a psychologist or behaviorist. I feel like I know dogs more than I know people. Let alone me. And yet I am the expert on Me.

As I said before, I don't know if I like who I am right now, who I am going to be and/or who I am being...becoming.

Everything is changing around me. Or should I say everything changed since the day that I graduated from high school and went to the college and when I lost Jennifer and when I made new friends, held onto the old ones and let some just go. Unknowingly or knowingly.

When people don't talk to me anymore, I used to chase them. I used to fret and worry, because that's what I did best. I do care what people think about me and it's only been recently that I have actually stopped caring. More or less. Kind of. And that is not a lie.

Believe that or not.

But now. I don't chase people don't anymore. Even as much as I care. I still do...I think?

A year ago, it was only months in the fall after I had graduated and had a great summer and Jennifer was still healthy. I would come home and see her begin to get a little weaker. I would come home and find my friends unhappy while I was having a blast.

I felt like I was losing my friends and I wished I was wrong. I was. But now, anytime something changes in the status quo, I think they're gone. Especially the H-Squad.

I had to let go of my JPN class as much as it hurt. I think of those memories fondly and grimace at how childish I was. How much I tried to push people that I shouldn't have pushed and maybe it's not even my responsibility to say "I'm sorry," but I've been known to say more than I should and feel more than I have to, because that's who I am. That hasn't changed.

I am even contemplating talking to a guy I thought I would never dare speak to again. Maybe I'll write something here.

Anyway, back on topic. Damn it's so late. I'll try to be fast.

My friends are changing. They are doing things that just a year ago, months ago, MERE months ago, I was horrified, I was crying and I was angry. Now I'm exhausted. I keep flip flopping.

Drugs are bad. Drugs are good. For some people. No, no people. I won't do drugs. I won't do them. I don't understand them.

Sex is bad. No, sex is good. If it's with one person and consensual and legal...So many requirements. People do it anyway. Men, women. Teenagers. They do it. My own friends do it. Best friends. They do it. I can't stop them. I hear them tell me. And I don't want to believe it. Now I do.

Now I can't tell if rape is wrong or right in my body. Rape is always wrong. Rape is never right. Murder is never right. Murder is never justified. People who do that are sick. I know that. But my emotions don't react, my body doesn't react. My body is still trying to process the sex. I'm so confused. My body is a car's engine stalling, failing to start. I press on the pedals but there is no gas to go. I'm just sitting there like I have no gas, no wheels and no start, just sitting there up on blocks. I'm confused. I just don't know what to think anymore.

My friends say they want it, those who want it. Want sex, drugs and alcohol. Young and experimental. Or are they really consensual and knowledgeable? Do they know what they are doing? Who with?

I keep coming up with justifications in my mind, because they are my friends, but I feel like I'm a police officer forging reports because I love them. And worse yet, it's like they are making me believe that it's OK to be that way. Is it?

Why do I feel this way? So confused. Angry. Sullen. Frustrated. And finally, like I don't give a fuck.

My mouth runs its own way now. Sometimes I just say whatever comes without thinking.

I'm so tired. And nothing makes sense to me anymore.

I hate this. Being passive. Uncaring. Furious. Resentful. It's like I feel like I have to keep lying to myself and lie to them, to make us both believe we're OK. And make me tortured wondering where the lie is really buried underneath all the crap.

I do things I never did before. I swear.

Yeah it could be worse. But I don't do anything else. I've only drunk once. Never done drugs. I'm about as clean as you could get.

But there's something toxic in me and I don't know how to detox.

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The classic starters. The classic questions.

Show me the answers.