P.O.ed: I Could Punch A Mother Fish

If you don't care about something, why pursue it? Why nurture it? Why care about it? Why do you beat yourself up about something that doesn't care about YOU?

I care too much. I'm so bone dry tired, I stopped caring about weight, wrinkles, pain and everything in between. I stopped caring about appearances, about make up and about anything. I'm so tired. I sleep, but I don't. I lay there sweating and not dreaming. Not sleeping. And when I wake to whatever stupid song I set on my alarm, I dread the day.

I care too much about people who...Yeah. Who. Fill in the blank. What there's no spot to fill in the blank? Well how about that. I guess there's no space is there? No space. Nope, no space at all.

What does that say? That lack of space. That place where there can be no filler. What does that say about space? Space there's no noise. Funny thing. In Star Wars there's always explosions but you really wouldn't hear anything in space. It's just because it looks lame if you're shown an explosion, but don't hear any noise. Way to go Lucas.

What does it say about space? What does it say about silence?

Why is there no space and silence? Just silence? Is that why there is no space, because the silence takes it all up?

So why should I care? Why should I mother fucking care?

You don't care do you? And I care too much.

-concludes stupid ramble 1-

I came to college believing I wouldn't have any friends. I wasn't satisfied with this notion, naturally, but it was something I believed and it was something I feared to be real. My fears were almost realized and confirmed when upon my arrival, everybody, well seemingly everybody had friends. Because I didn't know about the programs, the summer programs where everybody else had met and made friends. I was the stupid outsider. I was behind.

How could I be behind? Classes hadn't even started yet. In fact, I hadn't signed up for classes! The cause of more panic.

I lay in bed that night, dreading as I watched my parents walk away with Lianne. And I had to say goodbye to Jennifer who I was devastated to know would wander looking for me and look harder when she heard me on the phone.

I cried and cried and cried that night. I shot out calls and messages to friends afar wondering and wanting and waiting for them to feel the same way. They did. Or they didn't. Or I was met by silence. I was terrified, because in this time my friends were so busy that they said little or nothing, which I interpreted to mean that they wanted our former relationship as of high school to expire.

I was devastated. Finally, I was actually alone in the world. This new unfriendly world. With a radiator at the foot of my bed that I was certain was going to explode and kill me.

And then suddenly I wasn't alone. Everyday was an adventure. Everyday I loved my classes. And I suddenly had a multitude of events and people to speak to, eat with and laugh with. Life was full and wonderful.

Then the summer of 2010. And things went downhill.

As I'm writing this, I can't believe that it was only a year ago that I came here. A year ago I had a lovely companion named Jennifer. And a year ago two of my college friends were not dating and now a year later...They aren't dating. What happened in between? What happened now?

How did I come to be this angry?

I haven't been this angry in a long time. Maybe it's not so much anger as it is disappointment. As it is loss. And is it mourning. I'm still mourning losses. That I guess I didn't ever have to time to get over.

I wasn't ready to come back to school. Jennifer died on August 11 and school began only 13 days after her death.

I wasn't ready to come back to school after this winter. My Granpa died before Christmas. My Nana died shortly after my mother's second trip to Colorado. No goodbyes. No fond last memories. Just nothing but no space and silence. All silence.

I depended on college to take my mind off things and fill my mind with stimulus. Stimulate and simulate happiness. But everything went to Hell. And now I'm all choked up and writing this with a pile of papers beneath my wrists in a lab. Alone.

I'm going away for a while, and I hope nobody will hold that against me, because what I'm about to tell you should explain everything so read carefully.

-begin-

I'm very tired. I don't sleep well. I don't eat well. I don't exercise. I'm trying to work through this semester. I failed two midterms. I've never failed a midterm. Let alone. Two.

I want all A's and B's, because for the first time in my life, I am capable of attaining such grades. CHS was bullshit. No way I could have gotten A's or B's there. Totally subjective. But now, I'm drowning. And I can't stand it. My standards for myself are not impossibly high, but higher. I know what I can do and two failed midterms isn't that.

I am hearing things, seeing things and feeling things that I would be normally fine with. But I'm not.

You guys make me want to be single forever, because I never ever want to cry again. I never want cry over someone again. Never. I wasted years of my life on something I thought was love, but now I realize that I never believed in love. I don't. I don't believe in romantic love. I'm a writer. I write love. I'm an actor. I act love. I portray it on the page. I don't believe in it. I don't want it.

The love from you that I wish is platonic love, friendship love. The love I give you is just that and nothing more.

You don't know how much I love you guys. And this is the reason why I'm going away for a while and why I'm driven to punch a fish, because I'm so angry with you all.

It's because I love you.

God is this how parents feel? This horribly unconditional feeling where you can love people despite their stupid choices, their absolute heart breaking choices and when they don't say anything to you or say everything to you that you don't want to hear, you take it and want nothing more than to say, "God, I'm glad I don't love 'her'", but you can't say that to a friend or a child.

No matter how you much you wish.

And now I hear that onesomes want to check out. Well, I didn't know that there was a desire behind that door. How was I to know, because nothing is being said to me. Just to one another and I hear the bylines. The after lines. The empty lines. The no lines. One liners.

God I hate love. Fucking prisoner. I will never be its slave. What I see you do to each other, what they do to you and what happens after ward. I never want to love anyone or have anyone love me. For such a highly prized emotion on some pedestal, I see nothing but death and destruction. I hear nothing but regret and anger.

My anger is because I couldn't protect you. Because you wouldn't listen to reason. Love is powerful, intoxicating. I don't want to watch you detox. I can't hold you hand. I can't be there, not because I'm selfish or uncaring, but I'm tired. Do you understand tired? Your worlds are falling apart all around me and diving into my ears and consuming my body and I've barely anything left just to keep my heart beating and my blood flowing.

Don't lecture me about love. I'm not going down that road of sex and love again. You can't always get both or have both. It's easier to possess one over the other. And let me tell you, it's far easier hating someone than loving someone. Believe me.

I know what love is. Don't tell me I'm an insufferable loveless prick who needs to get laid. Don't you dare go there.

Do you realize how much you hurt me when you hurt each other? When he hurts you? She hurts you? You hurt her? You hurt him?

If anybody knows love. I do.

God I hate my sister. I hate what she wears. Says. Does. I hate her so much I love her. I love her so much I hate her.

My family grew to need me. I grew to need my family.

My friends. I worked all my life to have friends. They didn't come naturally. I was the shy one. Everybody says they were shy. I had to overcome this adversity of mine, this personal problem and finally I can be that outgoing person I admired from afar. It was hard, but what luck. I have so many friends.

I stand by my friends and love them.

H-Squad, you kept me going to school everyday. I went to high school because I knew you were there.

Jennifer. Buddy. I never have to apologize, because you love me no matter what. How terribly awful is that? I could have hurt you so bad and you would have never told me anything. What things we learn from dogs.

College. Well you made me laugh hard and made me smile. You proved me wrong. But now you're hurting me.

Because.

Why aren't you telling me the truth? Why aren't you listening to me? Why are you doing the things you do?

If you never cared. Why did you lead me on? Di d you lead me on?

See.

I think I see a door. I think I hear a door slam. I don't know if you'll pass by again. But it would have been nice to know if you cared at all. If you do. If you don't. Something.

I believe the people who say nothing at all are the ones who speak the loudest. But no one who says nothing is what I hear. Not what I heard. I hear too much. Fucking love. You screw over everyone. Is that really what everyone wants?

I'm so mad I could punch a fish. I'm so POed. I'm so angry. I don't know what to do anymore.

You're destined to hurt yourselves and just want me to watch you? Listen to you?

Why don't you just murder me? Why don't you just rip out of my throat and eat my heart?

Why not?

Is it too disgusting? Too violent? Too gruesome? Too cruel?

Chinny, what the hell would you talk like that? What makes you say those things? Are you insane? Chinny?

Well. Let's put it this way. It's equivalent to what you're doing now. What you're doing now is no different than gutting me and destroying me.

I don't see a difference.