Who am I?

I've been freaking out lately.

I used to be this person who was so sure about what I stood for, what I was against, what frightened me and what I wasn't ready for as well as what I was ready for.

Now I'm so confused.

I'm confusing about everything.

Because, I see these images of war and I, before wouldn't be able to look at carnage. I couldn't watch violence or hear screams or watch children be tortured or women/men's cries during death. I still can't. I won't watch that scene in "Slumdog" when the children is being blinded. But I watched "Haiti: Kill the Bandit" and saw the most terrible things I have ever seen in my life. How could I see that and not be scarred? Damaged? I was distressed. I didn't know what to do with myself. I just sat there. Absorbed. But I didn't have nightmares that night. I slept fine.

And sex.

I blogged on and on about sex.

I couldn't even hear or talk about sex. Now I can.

Or can I?

I don't know what's going on.

Am I still human?

Am I still Chinny?

I'm so scared I'm not myself anymore. Or that I've become dehumanized, because I'm not reacting to sex, rape, death, destruction as I used to.

Of course, I care. I still care.

But I used to get so fired up and enraged when men would harrass or look at me on the streets.

What is going on?

Have I really become so desensitized?

I'm so scared. Who am I???? Where am I?

Where did I go?

I want her back. Right now. That's who I was! ALL I WAS!

I don't want to be OK with these things. And I'm not. Of course I'm not. But I want that reaction otherwise I feel like I'm just saying it, because I was socialized to have these things be wrong. Be horrible. Terrible. Inhuman.

That earthquake in Japan really freaked me out. So many people are gone. All dead. Entire towns. Generations gone. Obliterated. Never will be seen again. There may be no one to mourn them, because all of them are gone. Except for us struggling to understand and comprehend what is going to happen. And help.

Everyone I know, thus far is safe. I'm so relieved. People are going and people are leaving.

And I'm still struggling to figure out what is going on with me.

Why am I so lax about these things?

And sex? Really?

I have blog posts dedicated to it.

I still feel the same way though, but maybe not as vehemently as I did before. See, I'm trying to reason with myself. Talk myself through this. No negotiating or giving in.

I still want sex to be between two individuals, to understand that this union can function with or without love, but with love is the best. Consensual love. Agreement. No cheating. No faking.

I want it to be mean something.

I want it to be safe.

I want no part of it.

I'm a writer. I can write myself into it, but I won't be a part of it physically. I seek it. I'm just still confused. I don't understand my peers and even my own friends. They frighten me and question me, and make me afraid.

They also make me detest relationships. They make me want to be celibate. Because, I hate the thought of becoming part of this crazy train ride when it comes to romance and love and sex. God, I just want to be me and away of it. Free of it.

And I am.

Maybe I'm not gone. I'm just on vacation...I hope.