Numb

I've seen terrible things in two days.

I'm surprised I could sleep after the first terrible thing I saw. Humans with their brains blown out, still crawling, still crawling then collapse in a bloody mess. I saw humans shooting other humans, unarmed humans, running running running. Crying, wailing. Bodies like animal carcasses strewn in the streets with humans bending over them and insects already landing, laying. I saw militant groups from my own country storm a land that is not ours and take and kill and aim and shoot and maim and destroy.

Money does terrible things to people. Guns should never have been made. How can people kill animals? How can people kill people? Why are we such a violent race?

The second most terrible thing was not done by humans. Not by Gods. Not by any speculated force, but only the earth itself.

The earth moves and so does everything on her surface. She twists and turns, pushing up our concrete which does not move, but breaks. Her waters flood inland and sweep everything out. There are hundreds dead. Hundreds missing. They may never see them again. We will never know who they are, except for those who are alive and looking for them.

And I will never know these things.
Never know these things.

Some would say good for you.

But I don't think so.

The first terrible thing would never happen to me, because I'm in the country doing those terrible things. I just hear. I just watch.

Let me tell you. I feel something. And yet nothing comes to me. When I was younger you could not even speak to me about these things, let alone show me or have me listen. I would go crazy and die from seeing, from hearing. I saw and I heard. I had to force myself to look away. My instincts are dead. My impulses dead. I just look and look and hear and hear. Why? And why is nothing coming? No emotions killing me?

Is it shock? Have I become too numb? Unfeeling? I fear that I have become a monster who does not feel.

I'm so scared. Someone tell me that I'm still human?

Am I human?

Are those things I saw kill and I saw die? Are they human? What is human? Killers are they human? Dead are they human? Is humanity a monster? Are we monsters?

Am I a monster? Have I become evil? I'm so scared.

The earth is not controlled by god. There is only force out there.

So many dead and missing. Running and fleeing and evacuating.

Fear and chaos. Death and destruction.

My friends so much as I know aren't dead. Their friends may be dead. May be missing. May be safe. They are all scared.

Their families are safe or are messing or are dead.

And I am sitting here, safe. But there are pins in my throat like I swallowed a sea urchin and I already woke in pain this morning, drinking of red waves. That woke me and I ran to the bathroom.

And then she told me what had happened.

My ears don't work so well. I misheard.

But the computer news told me everything.

I fear I am hollow and red. Maybe I am dead.