Ethnic Studies Journal # 3: "Whiteness"

I am so thankful that I was put in the Ethnic Studies LLC, which was my first choice, but I am thankful, because I have learned so much about concepts and ideas that I have been exposed to, but never identified, because I didn't have the knowledge at the time. In approximately a month, I feel so much more aware and informed. I have also gained more confidence as an Asian American, which has always been difficult--simmering beneath the surface.

My parents are a biracial couple: my mother is Caucasian and my father is second generation, Cantonese-Chinese American. My mother's parents grew up in New England, owning small businesses and served in the American military as a nurse and a naval officer. My father's parents moved from Cleveland, Ohio, because they couldn't run a grocery store safely when the society hated harassed them. Against the wishes of my grandmother's brothers and sisters, she and Yeh-Yeh moved to California in their own pursuit of "gold." They really just opened a dry cleaning store in San Francisco.

The concept of whiteness never occurred to me until I got into middle school and high school. High school Senior year was when I really was exposed to this foreign concept. When I was in elementary school, I was one of a few Asians at my alternative school. There was Sean, Joy, the Stevens, Tony, Robert, the Varuns, Shelby, Vickie and a handful of others. And then there was me, the girl adopted from China who was not really Chinese, because:

A) She could not understand Mandarin
B) She had a white mother
C) She had brown hair and freckles

I still have nightmares from Chinese school, my parents brilliant idea to assimilate me into my culture and help me learn Chinese. I was bullied and alienated, because of my "tainted" background. The Chinese teachers didn't know what to do with me, so they kept moving me into groups with smaller and smaller children, but nothing worked. They just abandoned me and let the other kids have their way with me. I still remember when two girls can up to me and gave me a candy. I opened it as they ran away in peals of laughter. They had puffed up the wrapper so it appeared to contain a sweet. It was empty.

So you could imagine my shock when I went to Miller Middle school where it was over 75% Asian (this included southern Asians, all types of Asian). Suddenly every friend I had except for two, were Asian. Nobody said anything about my inability to communicate in my Native language or my brown hair or freckles. Instead I was complimented. Asian girls would come up to me frequently and ask, "Ohmygosh! Your hair! It's a great color and looks so natural! Where do you get your dye?" It was odd flattery, but I was not insulted in the least. I could puff my chest out and proudly say in a dignified fashion, "Because it's natural." Suddenly, Asian was the norm. It was normal to be Asian. It was normal for everyone to be Asian.

Something I have always been proud of is my natural born ability: my colorblindness. I am not actually color blind, I mean this in a figurative manner. I am blind to people's color. It bothered me when my Asian friends would ask me to specifiy the ethnicity of my juvenile crushes.

"Is he American? Or is he Asian?"

I was confused. "American? But we're all American."

"I mean, white. Is he white?"

Oh. American meant white. Did Jenny Jiang, Jessie Ng and Linda Wu not consider themselves American? They were born here. They were raised here. But they were American.

When I got into high school and after I seriously began to consider Mills, I attended an Ethnics Studies class. The class was discussing the concept of "whiteness" which students were defining the "white idenity" or lack there of. They were talking about how white people specifically in America do not have traditions or a culture like those of the ethnic Americans like Latinos, Asians or the indigenous peoples. It made me think of my high school. My high school was approximately (these are my guesses) 50%-60% and 35% Latino/Chicano and 5% other (white, black, etc.) Whites were now a minority and people of color were of the majority. My Senior year, there were more racially related issues than any year I have experienced in my entire grade school career.

A kid came dressed to school as the KKK.

Black football students were harassed during a football game that erupted into a skirmish which ended with two expelled.

And there were other incidences that I spoke to my Japanese teacher about (she was very much concerned about the volatile changes) in private.

That year, I even had a white classmate of mine tell me to my face that she "had to get out of Cupertino, because there were too many Asians." She told me that she didn't think Asians were attractive ("Oh no offense!") and only wanted to date white guys. OK, that's fine. But the damage was done.

My Japanese teacher and I talked at length about these issues, trying to come up with ways to deal with the problems, but she said it could not be done by any of us. "Everyone is too involved, too close to the problem and part of the problem is the teachers. There is no respect between any teachers or students alike. An outside force is going to have to be involved." She also said that she believed the problems were that the white students were very quickly becoming a minority and were aware of it, and didn't know what react in their surroundings.

The concept of whiteness is far beyond that, I'm learning. Who is considered white and who not considered white within the census or socially accepted. It's so confusing.

I have been told by my Asian friends that they think of me as a "white washed Asian", because I don't speak Mandarin-Chinese. But I'm not any one of those Asian types. I certainly do not think of myself as Asian, but I am not white either.

I am just a human. And I hope that is what people see me as.

I wonder about my family. My father is the male in the household: me, my sister, my mother and my dog, Jennifer. My mother is the only white person in the household. I wonder how my mother feels. Is she pressured? Does she feel suppressed? I don't think so. She has tried to educate herself on the Asian culture and understand it. She has joined an Asian book club, because of my sister and I. She adopted us both and with other mothers who have also adopted Chinese daughters, are part of the book club. I wonder how they feel.

I don't think this "whiteness" bothers her. She chose my father. She chose to be part of his family, despite my Chinese grandparents very very different ideas. They didn't go to my parents' wedding. I think they got over it after they found out they were going to adopt a Chinese baby. Naturally, they were a little disappointed when they found out it wasn't going to be a boy. But, time goes on and all of that has been forgotten. My grandmother shares her garden with my mother. My grandmother communicates with me in broken English and complains about how noisy my younger sister is.

I've never asked my mother how she felt at any point in her marriage, being the only outsider. I suppose I'll have to ask my mother sometime.