The New Me

So much has happened and I don't know if I can recall it all precisely, but basically I graduated ("Whoopee!"), I went had Grad Nite, I went to Hawaii with five of my friends, I slumbered and lazed the summer away, I prepared and prepped for college and now I'm at home, Labour Day weekend, and I'm supposed to be doing the following: aka RED means DUE TOMORROW

1.) Finish obscure math problems for Introduction to Mathematics (actually cold hearted Statistics) and finish Math Journals due TUES, journals due SEP 10 THURS
2.) Write summary, analysis and outline for Karl Marx reading for (2 pg max, typed, due on WEDS) ENG 001
3.) Swimming? TUES Get exercise somehow? DUE ALL THE TIME, I'm readily gaining weight. Damn hill doesn't help a damn bit.
4.) Read four readings, due TUES

5.) Make necessary revisions and explanation for Poetry Workshop I

PROBLEM: I hate the poem that I threw together, constructed from previously written poems to create a 30 something lined poem that supposedly will explain to the instructor/class "who I am"
-unfortunately, I am no longer that person and therefore have little to write about and even less enthusiasm
-chose to write about the H-Squad which has of yesterday, I feel, has disbanded and any close ties I ever had with them have been mangled and I can scarcely believe we were ever close
-can't imagine how two weeks apart have really dented our previous friendships with one another
-maybe I am overreacting, but I feel like, for good, I am very much isolated and alone, the reminder of some hideous math problem

DUE WEDS

Anyway, yeah. All that has happened and gone away. The summer. My old friends. My old self. My family.

I really don't know where I am in all of this and who I am now. So therefore, I don't really have much to write about. I just feel anxious and I'm literally falling apart. I feel like I'm balding. My stupid hair is beyond repair. I lopped off a bunch of it for Locks of Love. 12 inches. Practically 14. I can barely put my hair in a ponytail. Pitiful. Pathetic.

My fingernails still have the Hawaii nailpolish on them. They are brittle and chipping. No jello at college. I suppose taking off the nail polish might help, but I don't really know. My weight isn't worth mentioning. It's just horrible.

I feel disgusting. Inside and outside. Literally. Physically. Emotionally.

I just feel like I screwed up before I finished. Before I started.

I don't know if I really miss anyone, because now I have begun to realize maybe there wasn't anything really there at all. Maybe it was just all a sick dream. Maybe it didn't happen. Or since it really did, maybe there was only a four year max, and the warranty expired.

Well, can't say that hasn't happened before. I guess I'm supposed to start over again. I hate that. But you have to do that. I wrote a long thing about it too. I was hoping it was for the better, but I guess not.

Time to get to work. What a crappy new year.