The City is At War

The house, more like it. I'm at war with my parents. My dad with the help of my mom has decided to lay off me and Mika. She is staying, at least for now. I think. She's in her room. I think. I don't know. We went out, all the girls, to the art museum and technology museum. It was fun. I think. My mom hates me, I think she's just trying to pretend to like me in order to live out a "normal" life. I think she's at a loss, because I'm not a normal person and I've decided to accept it. I will accept everything they accuse me of, but don't they dare assume they know me then. They don't know me at all. They don't know a fucking thing about me and how I think.

My mom keeps nagging me. Keeps harrassing me about college and choices. I am being forced to make choices that I have no control over. I don't control my parent's paycheck and money. I can't decide between the two colleges I've been accepted to, because I don't have money. I don't know why I care so much. My mom keeps saying that it's my choice, it should be my choice and only my choice. That's total bullshit. I don't have any choice. I will go where I am sent and where I will paid for.

But that's bullshit also, because nobody wants me. Everything has rejected me. My parents are more happy about college than I am. I don't want to think about it. My mom is totally shocked. She doesn't understand when the matter is more simple.

I don't want to think about college. I've been forced to think and to do everything for college since freshmen year. I worked as much I wanted and as much as I could. I did everything for college, to get into college and to be accepted. But with little benefits to reap. And as my parents keep reminding me, if I had worked harder and done more, I would have more choices. But that's me. I am what I am. That's failure. And my parents won't accept that.

That is why I was an hour late to a meeting about the Hawaii trip at DM's, today. I was arguing with my mom for an hour. As she kept telling me that it was wrong to be pessimistic and I need to screen my thoughts. I need to stop saying self critical things and stop talking myself down. I need to be hopeful.

Hope disapoints you. If you already are disapointed and expect nothing, you won't be disapointed. I am fucking tired of being optimistic and happy. I got nothing out of being either. I get nothing, nothing at all by being upset all the time. Sure it's shitty, but that's all I can do. No, you say? Well. Do you have the on switch for Happy? I didn't think so.

I don't know what my mom is thinking. I don't know why she tries so hard. Oh, because she loves me? She cares about me? Really now? REALLY NOW?

She doesn't understand shit. She doesn't understand how tired I am. I am mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted of being told that:

"Everything happens for a reason."

"God has a plan."

"Tomorrow is another day."

"College years were the best years of my life."

"You'll make so many new friends and meet so many new, better people in college."

"College is so much better."

"College will fix everything."

I don't want promises. Promises are meant to be broken. Promises for me are like guaranteed lies. Misleading. I just want certainty. I just want to know what life will be like for me so I know whether or not I'm wasting my time breathing. I don't want to keep on chasing life and letting it chase me around. I'm tired of living. I'm tired of breathing. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.

My mom says it's so sad that her daughter feels like that. Her daughter. Yeah she refers to me like I'm not even there. Thank you so damn much mom. You make me feel like flying high all right. Then she tells me that I was just testing her.

Yes exactly mom. I was just testing you to see if she'd give up on me. Well guess what? She did. She totally gave up on me. I always knew she didn't care. She tries to care, because that's what is "normal." She wants a normal family that is happy all the time. That's why she is trying so hard to fix my problems which will never end and why she's trying to get my dad to behave normally.

She doesn't actually know how I feel. She isn't hearing me when I do speak. She doesn't hear anything. Nothing at all. Nothing.

So I left again. I walked out and went to Dana's. Lauren got me, but I should have walked. I ate two bowls of popcorn. Buttered. Eight mini cream buns. One piece of chocolate. Drank nothing. I ate chau siu bau this morning. I am so healthy. I think I'm gaining more weight. I think I should just stop eating.

I feel like I'm happy when I'm with the friends. Maybe I am. But I don't think I am. I think I'm just faking it. Mom said I should fake it. Just fake it all the time and then I'll be happy. Is that twisted or what? Oh yeah, she said that I'm a twisted child. Thank you mom, you think I am insane don't you? She totally does. She told me that I don't think straight. Oh no, shit. I always thought that Depressed people thought twisted. Isn't that why they end up dead sometimes? No...No, I always thought THAT was NORMAL.

FML. I don't even want to FML. I don't want life. I want to donate my life to someone else that could make something of it. I'm such a waste of everything. I can't do anything, but fail. I was programmed to make other people look good.