The Bloody Aftermath

In light of last night's events, my mom has laid down the law for my sister: No more sleepovers, ever.

I don't blame, my mom. She really embarrassed and horrified about what Lionne's little friend endured and also what her impression of our family is going to be. It was the first time she slept over and the whole family except for Mika, made it terrible. Oh and technically my mom.

Lionne didn't want to sleep on the floor, because she was beginning a prima donna. And she said that in front of her friend.

Then of course was my dad.

And me.

So yeah, put together we are just about the worse looking family ever. Except, I'm sure there are worse families out there. Even more horrific than ours. I know there are. I just mean that, worse family moments to be witnessed by an outsider.

Anyway. My mom told me this morning that she disagreed with what my dad said. She didn't say anything about me wandering around in the middle of the night/morning. I guess she knows and feels it's unimportant as we live in a town where little happens. *knocks on wood* Or maybe she doesn't know.

I rebuffed her. Because I thought if she was going to do something and if she disagreed, she would have done something.

She took me to the YMCA where I excercised for the first time in half a year. On the way home, she questioned me about what happened last night and I told her that I don't want to think about college. She was totally taken aback, very surprised. She didn't understand.

I don't want to think about college, because I'm just going to waste money. I don't think I can do it. With how I am now, how would I be able to cope? And money? I have no money. My dad said he was going to cut me off. I wouldn't be able to pay for college at all. Even if he denies it and apologizes, I don't want to use his money. Mom said that was ridiculous, but I don't feel like I'm his daughter. I don't want to be his daughter. I don't feel like I am family. I feel like I will be expected to pay for everything he's spent on me.

I told mom most of what happened.

She kept saying, "I have a real problem."

We argued about it. And just talked normally. She told me that I've been brainwashed into thinking I'm a failure by my dad and she also said that she owns half the money in the family. I told her I don't want love or respect from dad. I want him to leave me alone.

She asked if I was driving to the family to a divorce. I said no. If I'm the problem, I can be eliminated, removed and then no problem.

Then she said she needs to find me a shrink.

And then she laid the law, dropped the bomb on my sister and now she's fighting with her about getting her blood drawn. Her blood is drawn quite often, because she has hypothyroidism. Even though she's almost 11, she is still terrified of it, even though we've been doing this since she was like one.

I don't know what to say. I'm exhausted. I feel less human and more like an animal. I don't want to speak anymore out loud. I'll type, but I don't want to speak. I don't want to learn or listen. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I just want to be a mindless, stupid creature with a limited life span. I'll give my human life to someone who needs it. Someone who deserves it. Someone who can make the best and do their best.

I'm nothing. A waste, a mistake. I'll admit that. I won't deny it. I know what I am and what I am not.

My mom said I should work hard and prove dad wrong. What will that do? I don't want his approval. I don't want to prove anything. I just want to be out of my misery. I don't want him to yell at me anymore.

I suceeded in only ruining my family. I really should just remove myself so my parents can save their money for my sister's college and raise her without a really big problem in the way.