The Cost of Knowing You
It's funny how when a relationship ends, no matter how many relationships you have, when they end. You are exactly in the position or rather, state of being that you were before you met your partner. But instead of finding yourself single and just "single," you are solitary and unattached and no longer with your partner, but you also know that they exist in the world and so your perspective is now not without them skewing it. I can't just exist anymore, because now I know that DB exists and lives and breathes, presumably and it is with this knowledge and in addition to the fact we had spent two years of our lives together and now we are apart, but I am forced to remember that he in fact "is"...I don't know how I will manage.
It's the cost of knowing you. I know you exist. I know that I still love you. I know that in this silence and the lack of you doing anything to fill it, that you must not care to. I know that one day you might find someone else if you haven't already. I know that one day if you have not already, you'll be having relationships with someone else. And I know, as I always have known, that it is killing me a little bit more every time I know this information to be true.
I also know that you may never be, in fact, part of my life again. And of course everyone questions me as to why I would ever want a person like you, or "you" in my life again and well that is an answer that I think should silence them all, but it doesn't because there are always, always rebuttals to the simple fact:
"I love you."
Three words and yet nothing quite can really illustrate or explain how much I love you or what that means. It means that I miss you. I miss that you could produce in me feelings that were like a sexual purr, a kind of vibrating warmth that meant I desired you and everything that was wonderful about you turned me on. I miss that you could produce the kind of warmth that the sun radiates and that touches you skin so intensely and yet makes you feel good and is necessary for the production of good health in your body, Vitamin D. I miss you in ways that neither sunshine or a cat purring could ever heal me.
That DB, is the costing of knowing you.
It's the cost of knowing you. I know you exist. I know that I still love you. I know that in this silence and the lack of you doing anything to fill it, that you must not care to. I know that one day you might find someone else if you haven't already. I know that one day if you have not already, you'll be having relationships with someone else. And I know, as I always have known, that it is killing me a little bit more every time I know this information to be true.
I also know that you may never be, in fact, part of my life again. And of course everyone questions me as to why I would ever want a person like you, or "you" in my life again and well that is an answer that I think should silence them all, but it doesn't because there are always, always rebuttals to the simple fact:
"I love you."
Three words and yet nothing quite can really illustrate or explain how much I love you or what that means. It means that I miss you. I miss that you could produce in me feelings that were like a sexual purr, a kind of vibrating warmth that meant I desired you and everything that was wonderful about you turned me on. I miss that you could produce the kind of warmth that the sun radiates and that touches you skin so intensely and yet makes you feel good and is necessary for the production of good health in your body, Vitamin D. I miss you in ways that neither sunshine or a cat purring could ever heal me.
That DB, is the costing of knowing you.
posted by Chinny at
6:46 PM
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