The loves I lost

Well DB may hate my guts right now. I wish he or someone could love me the way that Jennifer loved me. The way I learned to love Buddy and grow to need him. The way I fell in love with Jennifer. I wish he had loved me like that, then maybe this would have been easier. Knowing that I was totally loved and there wasn't a thing about me that lacked so severely that he left. And maybe hates me now.

David Choi's videos about his old dog Snoopy and new dog Pepper really helped me through Jennifer's death. I think she was my very first love, despite what I used to think about Alex. I still cry about her. I can remember her, but I can't. She was my life for such a long time. She died August 11, 2010. I miss her so much. Just the way I miss DB. I feel like a part of me died with them. Jennifer saw me until I went off to college and then on that Hawai'i trip. I'll always remember leaving her at the Schorow's house. I thought I'd come back to see her one last time but she didn't make it. I think she was waiting for me to grow up and not need her anymore and certainly waiting until I left because she didn't want me to see her die. She was such a loving dog. Even at the end. She never blamed me for anything.

And it is because I have Buddy now and love him, my big stupid stinky oaf, that I know I will someday be able to learn to live without DB in my life. Just as I learned to live without Jennifer. She's still a part of me, under my skin. It's funny because I realized I loved DB when I listened to David Choi's "By My Side" and knew I'd miss him when I heard "Won't Even Start." It's funny how those two songs and the dogs bookended this relationship.

I knew I loved DB because his loss would be like the loss of my grandparents and Jennifer. Like losing Jennifer all over again, except he wanted to leave me. It was time. It was time for them to leave. I just wanted them to experience my life with me. I didn't build my life around them. I just wanted them there.

I have Buddy. He's so loyal and loving and stupid. But I love that stupid dog. Just like I loved DB. He's so stupid and has no idea how hard this is to type. It's the only thing I can do other than other pathetic behaviors. He says I'm too "emotional" and too "intense" but...Even if I am. My only crime...I fell in love with him and loved him most genuinely. Most artfully. I know even a year from now and when I get older and even stronger than I feel now, I will love him deep down. And continue to miss him. How? Well, he would say that the love for a dog is not the same as the love for a person, but I was the one who got him to love dogs the way I do. See them for what they are worth. Wonderful companions. So cute. So irresistible the way the capture your heart. You love them and sometimes you can't say why. Well. That is how I feel about him. DB.

People can see all the flaws of his. I can too. Especially now when I am away from him. But even so. I love him. I miss him. It is so hard to not be able to tell him anything. Share anything with him.

I wanted to share so much with him. I wonder how he is. If he hates me. If he loves me. I know it doesn't matter because he has no moral obligation to me anymore. I'm not part of his life. We're not together. It hurts to write this, because I feel this emotional bond I have with him. That we forged together. I can't just get rid of it. I can't just burn bridges and hate him. I won't. I won't hate him. He has hurt me. He has broken my heart. I won't hate him.

I cannot do that. Because of all he has given me. He gave me so much. He taught me so much. And I am so very sad to not continue that anymore.

He was so special and so dear to me. He always will be. Nobody can touch him. As nobody can touch Jennifer.

My first loves. Will always, always be my first loves.