The beauitful end, goodbye my lover
On May 16, 2011 I met the first person I have ever truly fallen in love with. On the fourth of July weekend, holiday when the shutdown occurred, we decided to date. And slowly but surely I fell in love. Today, January 18, 2013 in the morning it all ended. We are not together anymore. It is Friday night and I am sitting here writing this and I do not think I will forget these poignant moments in my life because I do not want to forget. Not to torture myself, not to make myself miserable but because I really loved him and because no matter how much I try to persuade myself, I do not regret anything. I have been the luckiest woman to have been with him. I will never let anybody speak ill of him or my relationship, because even though we were different, even though we argued and even though we are not together anymore, I am so happy to have been with him.
I miss him so much. I wonder what he's doing and where he is and if he's having as hard of a time as I am. I wonder if all those things he said were true and if he's just confused and trying to ease his troubled mind. I entertain the idea that because this parting was not filled with hatred or anger or malice, it was not full of violent words or intentions to hurt one another. It was because we care about one another and because he wasn't happy. It hurts me so much to think that I could not be his happiness, that he was never happy with me. That he was with me just to spare my feelings.
I know he cares about me. I'm as confused as he is trying to figure out what he wants and what he wants to do with his life. I'm just so sorry I can't be a part of it anymore.
I miss him. He is my special someone, he has a significant place in my heart. A place of trust he earned. I just so want to be in his arms. To smell him again. To have my skin prickle and all red and blotchy because of his cactus like stubble-beard. I miss everything about him. Everything that irked me. Everything that made me fall in love with him. He's not a perfect person but he was the person I had dreams about. That I yearned to experience life with. That I wanted to see the world with. That I thought I could see a glimpse of a future with.
I lost someone who was such a big part of my life. And it was on healthy terms. It was not a toxic end. It was so sad.
I watched him drive away. I was scared the whole time he would crash. I held his hand as he passed through the door, then he let go and he was gone. I can still feel his beard scratch my face. The taste of his tongue and his soft soft lips. He was crying, I was crying. I watched him leave. Down our street and disappear into the mist of the morning. It was so cold I felt like my feet were frost bitten. But I didn't feel anything. It was like my body just disappeared. Before he left, as he was leaving, I began to dry vomit. He caught me and told me to be careful.
We texted. He stood by his guns. It's really happening. It really happened. All those times when I thought he'd leave me. He always came back. I don't know if he'll come back this time. I entertain the idea that he might. That his mind will change or something will happen that will make him come to an epiphany. But he is bored of relationships and of consistency in his life. He said we shouldn't talk for a while. He wants to be a part of my life, I think, and said he'd always be there for me. He, I know he's right.
I just miss him so ever much.
I will love him forever, my first love, my special one. Nobody can ever touch him. I am so happy to have been in his life and to have been his girlfriend.
I know that I love him enough to let him go, but it is very hard. I want him to be happy. It makes me sad to think it won't be me possibly. That there is someone who can do what I wish I could have done, but at least he will be happy. I hope he will never forget me. I cherish him. I would still do anything to do for him if he needs me. He said the same.
And so there is the silence now. The yearning, the memories and the longing.
"Goodbye my lover."
Those were the last words we said to each other.
I miss him so much. I wonder what he's doing and where he is and if he's having as hard of a time as I am. I wonder if all those things he said were true and if he's just confused and trying to ease his troubled mind. I entertain the idea that because this parting was not filled with hatred or anger or malice, it was not full of violent words or intentions to hurt one another. It was because we care about one another and because he wasn't happy. It hurts me so much to think that I could not be his happiness, that he was never happy with me. That he was with me just to spare my feelings.
I know he cares about me. I'm as confused as he is trying to figure out what he wants and what he wants to do with his life. I'm just so sorry I can't be a part of it anymore.
I miss him. He is my special someone, he has a significant place in my heart. A place of trust he earned. I just so want to be in his arms. To smell him again. To have my skin prickle and all red and blotchy because of his cactus like stubble-beard. I miss everything about him. Everything that irked me. Everything that made me fall in love with him. He's not a perfect person but he was the person I had dreams about. That I yearned to experience life with. That I wanted to see the world with. That I thought I could see a glimpse of a future with.
I lost someone who was such a big part of my life. And it was on healthy terms. It was not a toxic end. It was so sad.
I watched him drive away. I was scared the whole time he would crash. I held his hand as he passed through the door, then he let go and he was gone. I can still feel his beard scratch my face. The taste of his tongue and his soft soft lips. He was crying, I was crying. I watched him leave. Down our street and disappear into the mist of the morning. It was so cold I felt like my feet were frost bitten. But I didn't feel anything. It was like my body just disappeared. Before he left, as he was leaving, I began to dry vomit. He caught me and told me to be careful.
We texted. He stood by his guns. It's really happening. It really happened. All those times when I thought he'd leave me. He always came back. I don't know if he'll come back this time. I entertain the idea that he might. That his mind will change or something will happen that will make him come to an epiphany. But he is bored of relationships and of consistency in his life. He said we shouldn't talk for a while. He wants to be a part of my life, I think, and said he'd always be there for me. He, I know he's right.
I just miss him so ever much.
I will love him forever, my first love, my special one. Nobody can ever touch him. I am so happy to have been in his life and to have been his girlfriend.
I know that I love him enough to let him go, but it is very hard. I want him to be happy. It makes me sad to think it won't be me possibly. That there is someone who can do what I wish I could have done, but at least he will be happy. I hope he will never forget me. I cherish him. I would still do anything to do for him if he needs me. He said the same.
And so there is the silence now. The yearning, the memories and the longing.
"Goodbye my lover."
Those were the last words we said to each other.
posted by Chinny at
7:43 PM
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