Twas NOT the Night Before Christmas and...

We are about to go on our first family trip since my dad retired and with luck be able to stay healthy and happy throughout the duration of our stay. This my very first trip to New York City. I have seen endless movies that feature the city and heard the songs that regale the love and admiration for the city that never sleep, the concrete jungle where dreams are made of and where DB says he wants to go when he doesn't want to be in London or Singapore or India. I don't really know where we're going but I want to find out.

I know why I'm scared about the future and why it's so uncertain but at the same time I don't know why I am so scared.

Do I want a future together? Yes. Do I love him? Yes. Do you see him as a life partner? Yes.

Of course love is not enough just for a partnership. I think we can do it, but there is this fear and I want it to go away because we need to have optimism, we need to have hope and though we should not be blind, we shouldn't give into fear, we should give into love. Give into love or live in fear. I do not want to live in fear, wondering what our lives could have been like if only I had followed him or only if he had stayed with me. I know it will bother us and make us wonder for the rest of our lives no matter how happy or successful or how much we change. We will always wonder and it will torture us.

I am excited and I am afraid of NYC. It seems like an entity that could kill me. I feel overwhelmed but I should think of it as an adventure. And it is. I am a writer and here is a story just ready to be written. That is life. And love. Our story is one that is waiting to be written. This guy once compared our relationship to a fairy tale story and others have only said good things. People see something in us that I didn't see at first but I know is there.

I miss him and I know he is coming back but this little voice in my head says that what if he falls out of love with me and falls deeper in love with India. What if I'm not enough to bring him back. Yes his job will but what if he doesn't "return" you know? Like he leaves most of himself, all the 'stuff' I loved about him behind because that is where his real livelihood, life essence, love and loyal really lie? What if it isn't in me and what if it is in something else? That stupid voice keeps saying.

But I am a strong woman. I am loyal and I am loving. I am not in love with the idea or attached to the idea and notion and existence of a mere boyfriend or relationship. No. I want a relationship with him. Not anybody else or just for the sake of one or for because I think I wouldn't be able in time to date someone else or because I am afraid of being alone.

Anybody who thinks I am settling or that I am delusional or not being honest does not know who I am.

I dare anyone to challenge my sexual authority and integrity. I am so proud of myself and I have every right to be. I am a powerful human being. I am full of love and life. I am going to live a happy life full of friends and dreams and emotions.

I dare anyone to think that I am making the wrong choice or not support me or be visible for me. I found someone who makes me feel happy in the way I was happy before I met him. I found someone who knows all about me and likes me anyway which is my definition of a friend. I found someone who I can be vulnerable in front of without fear. I don't really give a flying fuck about what people ascribe upon my relationship but if you are so crude and so low not to talk to me before you go making assumptions and poisonous lies, than you cannot be a friend of mine. I don't need to be made to feel like a slut.