Spoke too soon

So the rainy season has begun this winter. It's raining steadily outside, the radiator heater is humming and I'm listening to some French song playing on Pandora radio. I am alone in my room. There is not a soul here except for me. It's Saturday morning. Nobody is with me. I am feeling sick because I have only gotten a few hours worth of sleep and my whole body aches all over. The digits of my toes feel like they could snap off from any applied pressure. My feet hurt because I was standing all night listening to reggae in a crowded music hall in the city that was filled to the brim with unnatural smoke and people who kept offering us blunts or a hit off a pipe. Needless to say I have never once considered smoking anything whether it was apple flavored hookah or some random stranger's blunt while listening to The Green perform. I declined multiple times. I was hugged by a stranger who was clearly enjoying himself and slapped this fairly large, fairly creeper of a man standing adjacent to me. Thankfully no fight broke out although I was envisioning the worst. Stefanie and I wouldn't have stood a chance next to what could have easily been the clash of the titans. Nonetheless, people were dropping like flies. At least two people just sank to the ground in a crumple state that was definitely a mixture of pot and too much beer. Nobody can ever talk me into thinking it is a good idea. While I felt bad and was thankful everybody at the venue was happy and definitely not volatile, from what I observed...It looked awful. It smelled awful. Stefanie and I stripped off our clothes as soon as we got back and we are determined to wash them. Pot smells like a skunk's ass. I kept gagging and felt the urge to vomit multiple times while we were there. I am severely sensitive and perhaps allergic to smoke inhalation.

He's mad at me. I didn't hang out with him last night. I didn't go home last night. I was out with Stefanie at the concert. I was taking her out on a "date" that she has still never had. Even two boyfriends later. I paid for our delicious and inexpensive meal and accompanied her to the concert so she was safe. He's very lonely and upset that I wasn't with him. And didn't want to talk to me. I hate that. So I tried to fix things and like I always do I made it worse. He said, "I love you" right before he hung up. I don't buy it. I'm without sleep and without him and without calories though I feel them in the rolls of fat around my midsection. I feel disgusting. I feel like a zombie. Cold meat.

He's mad at me. He said he didn't want to talk to me. I asked if I should even come home. He said, "It's your call." What does that even mean? Does he want to see me or not? What am I supposed to do? I'm here. Alone. Nobody will talk to me except for my mom/ He has said in the past, "You can always talk to me if you're lonely. Use me. I'm here for you." Well I guess not. And it's my call apparently if I want to come home. He said I'll see you tomorrow. I don't know. I just want to disappear. Disappear and melt into the rain and be absorbed into the ground and then I know for a fact I'll be lifted into the sky and finally fly because that is the cycle of water. I remember from watching the Magic School Bus when I was a kid.

There is water, a salty strange water that is a tear, tears pouring out of my eyes. They fall weighted by gravity out of my tear ducts from the eye down the sides of my disgusting cheeks and over my chin like some weird droplet waterfall. The more I read from last night the more upset I am. I just feel angry and sad and lonely and alone. I really feel alone. For the first time I am lonely when I am alone instead of feeling alone but not lonely. This is what happens when you enter a relationship. Now you are lonely when you are alone instead of the way things were when I was single. When I felt strong and independent and free and now there's someone else who I can hurt and who can hurt me back. We are in this vulnerable position where people get hurt and be hurt and are hurt and hurt. I don't know right now if I can handle it. Maybe I am just in love with the fantasy with the idea of monogamy but in reality it is not for me. In reality I am nothing but an individual who supposed to go around making other people happy or at least trying to but failing. Maybe all I exist for is to disappoint people.

I was really good at being single. Maybe I should just go back to it. Quit kidding myself and go back to being single instead of inadvertently being in a relationship that makes people feel like I am judging them. And grow upset with me because I'm in a relationship not being worth to spend time with. Or the reason for jealous scorn.

Maybe I'm just not worth it. I have so much shit to do. I am so stressed and in pain. There are people falling to the ground right and left like those people at the concert and I just watch them fall. I try to stop them from falling but find I'm already on the ground and the person I feel for won't even talk to me and doesn't care. He has a right to be lonely and mad. He has a right to his own feelings. And so do I.

I don't know what to do.

I just want to disappear.

I want to disappear.

I want to disappear.

Just let me disappear.