A very hollow, deep hole

We had another fight. This one, like them all, made me cry. I cried in this weird shallow way because of all the mucus knotted up in my chest, my nose was stinging and sore from all the times I blew my nose because of this goddamn cold. Sometimes I really just want to float anyway to some location and sleep there in a very safe bed with my stuffed animal. It can't be my house, because if I go home I have to face the fact that my parents are worried about me and that I grieve them too much. I can't be in this room, this dorm room because it's just not what I want it to be. It's not organized and it makes me nervous. Call me paranoid or whatever, but I need my dorm room to be a sanctum, to be a sanctuary otherwise there is little chance I can get through the year without feeling comfortable, without feeling safe. Hence the spray of bullets from some machine-automatic weapon last night that hurt four people including an eleven year old...Right outside of our college gates. Thanks again, for NOT mentioning this to all on campus students and staffers who were probably scared shitless. Or not. We've toughened up. We're used to it. How horrid is that? We're used to hearing gun shots. It is a normal occurrence in our lives. Nobody should be used to it. Nobody in this world.

Anyway we had a fight. It made all the water dry up in my body. I don't know what I was crying out. My lips were so dry. I was dehydrated. I just sat there scratching at my legs and arms every time he didn't listen to me, because there was nothing I could do. I wanted to tear myself open and just pour out somehow and some way so he could see me and all I am desperately trying to do. How I feel. What I think. Because I just don't know if he knows. He says he knows me really well but then what he says does not at all accurately describe me. He says I do the same thing.

He said he was breaking up with me because he is trying to make me happy. He said that he was tired of friends, family and me telling him he wasn't doing enough or wasn't good enough. He didn't want to hear it anymore. I feel like that is the reason he is breaking up with me.

I just wanted to disappear, like I always do. Because I feel worthless and like nothing. Just a pile of stupid pathetic meat that is sitting in my shape and form on my bed. Nobody is there with me. It is completely dark. I am absolutely alone. I don't have anybody. Nobody is awake or so I thought. My neighbor woke up because she heard us fighting. She heard me crying. I feel so embarrassed.

I can't say anything. To anybody. I don't want to hear what I know they'll say.

It's totally up to me.

I still love him. But I can't feel anymore. I don't think there's anything in me right now. I feel like a big hole. A hole that I dug and I fell into. It's hollow and very deep. I can't get up. I don't feel loved. I don't feel worthy or smart. I just feel like a big hole.