D, I finally remember what I wanted to say

Everything you said to me, you were right. I don't want you to take back anything you said.

Yes it made me cry, but more importantly it made me think. It made me sad and it made me confused, but more importantly it made me think. I was thinking about everything you said. Nothing you said was wrong and don't you regret saying anything. I'm not asking you to take it back.

I realize you and I are very different people, but as different as we are there are some things about us that are entirely the same.

I realized that I have no reason to apologize for being the person I am and neither do you. Why should we? We are who we are. You have changed things in me and for that I am so grateful. I can reveal myself to you and be completely naked, and vulnerable in front of you without fear.

I was so afraid to love you. I was so afraid to date you and let you in, because I didn't know what you would think of me when you saw who I was. But I didn't want to live my life in fear and so I let you in, because I wanted you and I needed you. I was right to let you in. You've become an integral part of my life and imprinted on me sort of like that tattoo on your arm. My life is still there but it is different now, because you're there.

When you said those things, I just realized that as much as I love you and you love me and the good times we have together, there are differences that are not necessarily problems or issues, but could be in the future. It could prevent us from being together far out there, despite the happiness it brings us now.

I realized that. I realized how despite my love for you that there is a chance that maybe it's not enough and I must accept that as much as I have grown to want you and need you around, that maybe it could be someone else that is meant to be there like that tattoo, permanently. It made me so sad because I wanted to be that person.

I understand your reasons for telling me this and your worries that I may not be able to support you. I understand and I hear you. Every word you said.

It made me sad because before I met you and even as I have been with you, I am the one that my friends and my family relies on. Whenever somebody has a problem they go to me. They always have.

Never think for one moment I wouldn't be there for you. I would give you my attention. I would listen to you, I would hug you, love you and do as much as I physically, emotionally could for you if you needed it. Yes I would cry and I would worry, but it's only because I care about you. Please don't think I wouldn't be able to support you.

I was happy and strong before I met you, I have been supporting people my whole life. I still am happy and I am still am strong. The pill has been fucking with me lately. It has made me focus on tiny insignificant things and it makes me cry when there isn't anything to cry about, makes me sad when there isn't anything to be sad about and it caused me to become depressed even though there wasn't anything to be depressed about.

You have helped me because it is hard to support everyone and although I do get support back, I haven't gotten the kind of love that I needed. When I met you and being with you, that's what I always needed and what I always wanted.

I am so sorry I haven't been able to show you who I am, and who I still remain to be. The pill has changed me in ways that I never expected it would. It makes me nervous and jealous and anxious and go crazy over the tiniest things. Things that I never would normally be upset about.

Over the summer when you mentioned girls you thought were attractive, it didn't bother me at all. I know I do the same thing, I don't know why all of a sudden I started to care. You're with me and you're not leaving me for anybody else. I know what is logically true and I think logically and yet somehow some weird virus in me overrides the program. I know what is true and yet I can't help but get stuck in fantasy.

That is why I was so sad. Because I am the partner you need and you want, I'm just trapped in my own mind and my own body and even though the real me is still here, I'm trapped. I was so scared even though I knew you weren't breaking up with me, that you wouldn't stay.

I was so touched when you called back those two times. Because I knew you cared about me and you loved me and you were thinking about me. You have said some of the most wonderful things to me.

I love you so much and I just want to keep going because I know we can. You aren't perfect and neither am I, I don't want you to be and I will never ask you to be.

I know I haven't been able to laugh at your jokes or have fun with you like we're supposed to, but it won't be like this.You know it won't be, I want you to remember always who I really am.