Paranoia - 1, Chinny - 0

I can't let this go on. My paranoia cannot win. It's driving me crazy but more importantly. I will single-highhandedly succeed in my worst nightmare indeed becoming a reality. I can't let that happen. I won't let that happen. I don't want paranoia to win. I have always been proven wrong. Consistently. Last night I lay awake, trying to figure it out. Why is it that I feel this way? Better yet why do I make myself feel this way? I wasn't trying to conjure excuses or sob stories, but maybe it does have something to do with the following:

1) Fear of loss
2) Abandonment issues - self sabotage
3) Trust issues

I guess 1 and 2 are the same thing. Slight variations though.

I am so used to disappointment. To "catches." To being the one who is crushed or ruined or damaged and having to pick myself up again. I'm not used to consistency. To happiness. To such loving honesty. It's sad, but I guess I'm in a sick way waiting to be abandoned again or to be discarded. Self sabotage. I'm treading dangerously. I recognize that. I acknowledge my outrageous fears and paranoia. I will not let them destroy me. Destroy love.

"Give into love or live in fear." That is the best advice. It is a truth and one that I must RENT. Then adopt as my own.