I'm in so much pain right now
I made the mistake of yanking off my sports bra which did not clip, no, tore down my left ear lobe with was horribly swollen and bled yesterday. I freaked out, because I am still a over cautious, confused noob when it comes to piercings. It is seriously making me rethink the helix I so desired...
And to make matters even more painful, today I was informed that the likely explanation for the concentration of pain on my right side, clustered right in the area where my right ovary would be...is from an Ovarian Cyst. Brilliant. I never thought I'd have one of those. Of course, there is nothing that can be done...I mean invasive strategy is only used when these suckers get enormous. I'm talking like grapefruit in size. Then you get in there and remove the bastard. Also I had to pee in a cup again. The doctor wants to rule out any other issues. She said it's probably not appendicitis (thank God) because then I'd probably have to have surgery for real and I'm terrified.
Once I made a horrible wish. I made the wish and had the desire, I mean it's written here somewhere in this blog, to go to sleep and never wake up again. I even was talking about how I felt like a waste of life and flesh, blood and bone and how I wanted to donate my life to someone more needy or more brilliant or who would do better at living than me. What if I went to sleep by anesthesia and never woke up? Or what if I woke up DURING the surgery? I really hope I don't ever have to have surgery done.
That same visit today I got two shots in my left arm. Flu and HPV 2nd series. Yuck. My arm hurts any time it is jostled, touched, leaned on, etc. And my stupid right ovary is throbbing madly every so often. It feels like there's something punching it...No, it's more like a squeeze. Like somebody has got my ovary in their fist and is squeezing on it. Ouch.
I usually don't complain this much about pain. I suck it up. I don't even take pain medication most of the time, because I'm pretty apprehensive about drugs. I mean not like antibiotics, but drugs. I used to see my friends pop pills like they were pieces of candy and I never quite relished the idea of doing it myself. I mean they needed to. I just...Don't do that I guess.
Anyway, Stefanie gave me a Tylenol. I don't think it's working. I have this heating pad my mom gave me, but I don't dare use it. Electric blankets scare the shit out of me. There's a huge warning label that practically makes up one side of the plug-in-blanket that talks about how it's flammable and liable to cause burns. OK, I am not going to roast my stomach with that blanket. It's bad enough there's a radiator near my curtains. I never will turn on the heat. I'll just freeze my sorry ass off in this cold cold room.
To make matters even more unpalatable, I finished "Parvana's Journey", a book of gritty realism. Told the story of a girl posing as a young boy in Afghanistan who must survive while searching for her family. The children were so brave, and it made me sick to think of the situations they were in. Told simply on terms that middle grade could...tolerate without sobbing hysterically or rejecting altogether due to the nature of the subject matter. So much death and hatred. It made me so sad. Children should not be bombed or tortured or craved by evil like that. They should just live and laugh and love. But this is not so.
Read this again. I'm complaining about my fucking body hurting and these kids were pulling worms out of festering sores and had to fear being a girl for she may be brutally violated. They had to bury their friends, brothers, sisters, and fathers and mothers. And I cry because I don't know when I can see my boyfriend. My parents are safe. Sister is safe. Dog. I have a dog.
I am a lucky person. I know I am. I won't ever forget it or take anything for granted.
And to make matters even more painful, today I was informed that the likely explanation for the concentration of pain on my right side, clustered right in the area where my right ovary would be...is from an Ovarian Cyst. Brilliant. I never thought I'd have one of those. Of course, there is nothing that can be done...I mean invasive strategy is only used when these suckers get enormous. I'm talking like grapefruit in size. Then you get in there and remove the bastard. Also I had to pee in a cup again. The doctor wants to rule out any other issues. She said it's probably not appendicitis (thank God) because then I'd probably have to have surgery for real and I'm terrified.
Once I made a horrible wish. I made the wish and had the desire, I mean it's written here somewhere in this blog, to go to sleep and never wake up again. I even was talking about how I felt like a waste of life and flesh, blood and bone and how I wanted to donate my life to someone more needy or more brilliant or who would do better at living than me. What if I went to sleep by anesthesia and never woke up? Or what if I woke up DURING the surgery? I really hope I don't ever have to have surgery done.
That same visit today I got two shots in my left arm. Flu and HPV 2nd series. Yuck. My arm hurts any time it is jostled, touched, leaned on, etc. And my stupid right ovary is throbbing madly every so often. It feels like there's something punching it...No, it's more like a squeeze. Like somebody has got my ovary in their fist and is squeezing on it. Ouch.
I usually don't complain this much about pain. I suck it up. I don't even take pain medication most of the time, because I'm pretty apprehensive about drugs. I mean not like antibiotics, but drugs. I used to see my friends pop pills like they were pieces of candy and I never quite relished the idea of doing it myself. I mean they needed to. I just...Don't do that I guess.
Anyway, Stefanie gave me a Tylenol. I don't think it's working. I have this heating pad my mom gave me, but I don't dare use it. Electric blankets scare the shit out of me. There's a huge warning label that practically makes up one side of the plug-in-blanket that talks about how it's flammable and liable to cause burns. OK, I am not going to roast my stomach with that blanket. It's bad enough there's a radiator near my curtains. I never will turn on the heat. I'll just freeze my sorry ass off in this cold cold room.
To make matters even more unpalatable, I finished "Parvana's Journey", a book of gritty realism. Told the story of a girl posing as a young boy in Afghanistan who must survive while searching for her family. The children were so brave, and it made me sick to think of the situations they were in. Told simply on terms that middle grade could...tolerate without sobbing hysterically or rejecting altogether due to the nature of the subject matter. So much death and hatred. It made me so sad. Children should not be bombed or tortured or craved by evil like that. They should just live and laugh and love. But this is not so.
Read this again. I'm complaining about my fucking body hurting and these kids were pulling worms out of festering sores and had to fear being a girl for she may be brutally violated. They had to bury their friends, brothers, sisters, and fathers and mothers. And I cry because I don't know when I can see my boyfriend. My parents are safe. Sister is safe. Dog. I have a dog.
I am a lucky person. I know I am. I won't ever forget it or take anything for granted.
posted by Chinny at
7:56 PM
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