"At least you won't end up alone"

You know what? I don't want to end up alone.

I mean as strange it seemed to others, I was planning on being alone. On living life as a single woman. Sometimes I still contemplate that, I think I am much like my mom. She did the same thing. She sort of floated through life and found a direction after meeting my dad when she was older. She had a crazier youth than I did. I think I was more like my dad in some respects, more rigid and that was just me being me. He's more like my mom. He had direction but floated through life.

He told me that he wanted to be in love and was fearful about not wanting to be alone. He isn't sure about the future, because he lives life day to day, which we all should. I look all around me and ponder the inevitable and the unwritten. But I should stay grounded in the present than in the past or even the future. Today is a gift right? That's why they call it the present? I know it's not a great saying, but it is true. And yes if it sounds vaguely familiar it is from "Kung Fu Panda" which was actually not a terrible film. I was beginning to doubt my parents when they took me to see it for my birthday a few years ago in high school, but we were all proved wrong. And this is coming from a person who really dislikes Jack Black's sense of humor.

I am certain what he has told me, has not changed. I mean why would it? I mean people change, but he and I don't say things we don't mean. I mean he changes his mind and has a hard time making decisions sometimes, but not about big things in life. I don't either. I mean, I think I am more decisive than he is, but he's not a flake when it comes to his feelings.

I realized that I do want to be with someone. If not in marriage, but in a partnership. I told him it may sound silly, but I do want a mate for life. If somebody wants to grow old with me and raise children together and will stay with me faithfully and loyally, that's good enough for me. Marriage has connotations anyway, that I do not like. I want to be somebody's partner. Not chattel. Not property. That is historically what marriage was about. It was a partnership...But I think woman wound up with more grief and strife than actual love in their lives. Love is not a commodity. But I do think love is necessary in one's life. You should love people and cherish them.

I love my family and my friends. I know everything about them and love them anyway. It's not easy to do that and yes, sometimes I am driven crazy by my family or friends. But I'm not going to leave them. No matter what kind of ideas they have in their heads.

I realize that's probably how he feels. What he has been trying to communicate and assure me. Life is crazy and unpredictable, but how he feels is something that he does have some control over and there's nothing to worry about, because he wants me and only me and loves me. He misses me. And yes he doesn't talk to me everyday or for an hour when he does, but just because he doesn't, doesn't mean anything has changed. Doesn't mean he doesn't miss me or love me.

I realize that I don't talk to my best friends or my mom or Lianne everyday...Or very long, but they love me. He doesn't talk to his parents sometimes or his brother, but he loves them. And vice versa.

What a strange thing...I feel so slow in realizing all this.

Well, I won't say "I hope" anymore, because I told myself I wouldn't.

I will stay with him and see us through. Our future is unwritten, but we each have our own writing utensils.