Right now

I have always enjoyed talking about it rather than doing it and because I'm a writer, I write myself into situations so I don't actually have to do them. I can have a boyfriend, drink, do drugs, party and have sex without doing it at all. And it's not even me, yeah it's not really "me." Characters are beings of their own, but I can get into their heads and even though I'm "there" I don't have to understand why they enjoy it, even though I do. Not following me?

Well, let me try to explain. As best as I can. I know why they do things and what they like and dislike. They tell me and I repeat, describe and tell their story. Through them I do things I would never do and approve of lifestyles I would never participate in or endorse. So of these characters, these creations are disturbing and disgusting, but it's not "me.

I don't approve though, I don't like what they do and when my friends do these things, I worry and lately I am reduced to nothing but raw emotion and tears.

I can't handle reality because it's biting and so real. Well no shit. Real is reality.

I resent being held to who I was as a child and yet I do the same to my friends. I can't be upset because my friends are as old as I, but no matter how old I am I don't feel my age. I will be with people younger than me and feel like a child and people older than me and feel like I'm eons older (not necessarily more mature) but just like I'm old. Like my parents' age.

Yesterday I just broke down in public. I needed to hear it though. I needed that "tough love." Because, I've been denying myself a cry. People need to open up, because bottling up inside is no good. It's like animals in the zoo. We're denying them their nature and when opportunities befall a zoo creature, they will become the animals they are, at whatever the cost. How can we question them? They are wild. There is no such things as a domesticated tiger. You cannot breed out or weed out their instincts. Humans are control freaks.

I should know. I'm trying to control how I feel and filter what I hear. I am trying to believe the impossible and resurrect the dead. I am trying to keep myself contained.

I tried to move on from things I thought we're over and forget. Vivian wasn't lying when she said people change and things change, maybe not for the better, but not matter what things change. She's right.

I have changed. The environment and events have shaped me and I don't like what has happened.

So much death.

Susie.
Jennifer.
Nana.
Granpa.

I thought I was done mourning, but it hasn't really stopped. I just try to ignore or push away, but it just all came out.

I feel threatened, because I threaten people.

I feel angry, confused and sad. I have never felt so strong and weak and vulnerable and impenetrable all simultaneously. I have never felt so lonely and so isolated and so protected and so surrounded simultaneously.

I just feel so lost and feel like I can't fill the space that I think was promised to me. I feel like I'm carving too deep and that will destroy me.

I will destroy me.

I am my worst enemy and my own best friend.

"You can't love anybody until you love yourself, how can you take care of anybody if you can't take care of yourself?"

I don't know if I believe that, but I don't think it's wrong.

Sometimes I don't know if everyone knows how much I care, I care too much. I think that's what is destroying me. My addiction that I need to fight.

My eyes won't stop twitching and my body feels like it will give out. I'm so awake and so tired.

I have three finals to study for. I haven't done shit.