The Third Day

My parents, sister and Gam Gam are going to enjoy their last day in Hawai'i at Hapuna and go to Kona to return our snorkel gear and wheel chair. Mom just said they are also going to the Kona International market. I'm obviously not going with them, I'm here, typing this.

Nothing has changed except I'm in physical pain now, Mom thinks it's because of my emotions going haywire. Most likely. I feel nauseous after eating and I can't even tell if I'm really hungry. Food is unappetizing. There is no point really. I don't crave anything and I just eat, but I odn't really have a taste for food anymore. I don't feel like cooking and I feel guilty, because mom has been doing everything. I haven't gotten out of my PJs.

I feel disgusting. Fat and disgusting--God every commercial, almost every program features a relationship between man and dog. Last night I just lay on my parent's bed crying while watching a PBS Hawai'i special called "Through A Dog's Eye", which was about service dog training. Just made me think of the bond, the relationship I had with Jennifer and for some reason I also thought of the Fellowship of the Ring. I can't decide if our Fellowship has disbanded, I mean...is our bond broken because I was physically left behind? I mean I know if she was still alive our bond would be definitely, for sure, in tact. But what about now? What do I do now? I wish Jennifer could tell me, but I already know the answer. I don't know what exactly I'm writing, because my thought process is all askew.

(Watching "Marley & Me" a mistake or therapeutic?)

Jennifer would want me to be happy. She was like all dogs. She wanted to please, she wanted her people to be happy and love her. And of course we did. I did. No matter what I said or what I did, I always loved her no matter what.

One thing I think she wanted me to do for sure, is be happy and have another dog. She seemed to accept me with Emerson, although she knew that I was hers. I told her so and I made sure that Emerson knew. I yelled at him until he cowered and sulked, but he definitely got the message he was not allowed to pounce on her.

(Ugh. Ate way too much.)

Well. Again, I don't know. I don't know if even my parents letting me get another dog is the answer. It's not right, but it's not wrong either. I think I will always search and yearn for a relationship that can help ease the painful void that is life without my sweetheart. I just need to care for a dog. They help me sleep, eat and breathe. It was hard sleeping with Jennifer, worrying if she would suddenly stop breathing in her sleep and then Emerson who kept tossing and turning and whimpering in his sleep, I hardly got any sleep between the two of them. But without Jennifer, I don't know how I can sleep without her. I have, these first two nights, but I don't know how. This third night, I didn't sleep well at all. I was up at 2 in the morning, talking to Lauren. Then I slept, but I feel like a lump of flesh. Sad flesh. I probably could have managed to go out with my parents, but I didn't want to. I can't enjoy Hawai'i, not that I really was before I got the news.

I just can't absorb any of it. The food. The experience. The sights. Nothing. I burned not tanned. I felt sick not satisfied. I feel exhausted and upset not relaxed. I don't know how my family can go on with themselves.

Ugh must stop. Headache.