"I've Said Too Much...It's Not Enough"
(c) "Chasing Cars" Snow Patrol
It's funny when I get into these depressive moments, I learn so much more about my self and yet lose myself in the process. What was funny only days ago, I remember the feeling and I remember how much I smiled and how much I laughed, like an imprint is leftover from that time ago, but now. Now when you guys laugh, I want to open my mouth and laugh with you, because there's nothing more wonderful than laughter and being with friends. But I've forgotten. When you laugh, I want to cry. There are moments in the day now when I feel so happy and I can almost feel what it was like to be myself, but then suddenly they vanish and I'm in a blubbery empty shell.
I miss being able to laugh and understand my friends. I don't understand them anymore. I can't identify without wanting them to hurt them. Without hurting them. How not to hurt them. I don't want to hurt them. But they fear me now. It's too late. They fear me. Avoid me. I truly have become that monster again.
The only friend, the only company IT enjoys is my body. IT enjoys my body, a satiable host for its occupation. IT eats. IT sleeps. But I don't. I eat to feed IT. I sleep to rest IT. But IT won't let me laugh. IT just leaves me those imprints and shallow memories that have gone cold. I don't find anything anymore.
I don't know if this was brought on by stress. Maybe. I hope. I hope so.
But now. I just feel like it's better not to see anyone, talk to anyone, keep conversations neutral and don't laugh. Don't speak. Avoid eye contact. Wear more clothes and hide. Hide. Away. Don't come out. Can't come out. Won't come out. Won't go. Will stay. Stay. Hide. Safe. Keep safe. Be safe.
I feel doubt. I feel regret. I feel like I should apologize, because I am sorry, although IT won't permit me to make amends.
I'm so scared.
Scared. Of loss. I think I lost. It wasn't a game. It wasn't a battle. But I always lose. It's not really "I" that loses, it's you. I think I lost you. I know I lost you.
I'm scared. I will keep you safe. I'll just not speak. Not say. Anything. I will hide. Body and tongue. Mouth closed.
I will keep you safe from me the monster. But it's not enough.
It's funny when I get into these depressive moments, I learn so much more about my self and yet lose myself in the process. What was funny only days ago, I remember the feeling and I remember how much I smiled and how much I laughed, like an imprint is leftover from that time ago, but now. Now when you guys laugh, I want to open my mouth and laugh with you, because there's nothing more wonderful than laughter and being with friends. But I've forgotten. When you laugh, I want to cry. There are moments in the day now when I feel so happy and I can almost feel what it was like to be myself, but then suddenly they vanish and I'm in a blubbery empty shell.
I miss being able to laugh and understand my friends. I don't understand them anymore. I can't identify without wanting them to hurt them. Without hurting them. How not to hurt them. I don't want to hurt them. But they fear me now. It's too late. They fear me. Avoid me. I truly have become that monster again.
The only friend, the only company IT enjoys is my body. IT enjoys my body, a satiable host for its occupation. IT eats. IT sleeps. But I don't. I eat to feed IT. I sleep to rest IT. But IT won't let me laugh. IT just leaves me those imprints and shallow memories that have gone cold. I don't find anything anymore.
I don't know if this was brought on by stress. Maybe. I hope. I hope so.
But now. I just feel like it's better not to see anyone, talk to anyone, keep conversations neutral and don't laugh. Don't speak. Avoid eye contact. Wear more clothes and hide. Hide. Away. Don't come out. Can't come out. Won't come out. Won't go. Will stay. Stay. Hide. Safe. Keep safe. Be safe.
I feel doubt. I feel regret. I feel like I should apologize, because I am sorry, although IT won't permit me to make amends.
I'm so scared.
Scared. Of loss. I think I lost. It wasn't a game. It wasn't a battle. But I always lose. It's not really "I" that loses, it's you. I think I lost you. I know I lost you.
I'm scared. I will keep you safe. I'll just not speak. Not say. Anything. I will hide. Body and tongue. Mouth closed.
I will keep you safe from me the monster. But it's not enough.
posted by Chinny at
10:22 PM
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