I Found Me Self Recovery...Maybe, Not Really

I managed to recover. Just like that. All on my own. Like the wondrous miraculous vessel that is my chubby, chunky, flab of a form, of a body in all its lumps managed to heal itself like split skin or bruised flesh. It was like self repair or something like that. I don't really know how I recovered from my hole of depression, but I came out of it. Not really out of my problems, but I became 'normal' again. Enough so that I didn't need to sequester myself in solitary confinement or hide from the world. I felt like I could show my face again, without shame and without...much sorrow anyway. It was mostly me again. Although, I can say without lying that, "I'm fine" or "I'm okay." And I'm not lying. I'm not.

I recovered by relaxing too much. My finals are within a day and I can scarcely believe how I'll survive the ordeal. Three days of absolute HELL. I'm so nervous. I could disappear and sleep in my bed through everything and not survive just as much as completing the finals themselves. I don't know if I'll survive either way, but I managed to 'normalize' anyway.

Sarah K was kind enough (kind doesn't really do her justice) to let us go back home with her, to her town by the beach. It was so nice to fall asleep in my own arms on a towel surrounded by three good friends, knowing I didn't have to look over my shoulder and I could just fall asleep in the sun. In peace. I could die happily being smothered alive by kittens and kitten claws into my chest. I got two large welts, but it was well worth it. Who knows when I'll play with kittens again. They were so cute, I wish we could have stolen one away so I could use it as a worry bead. Goodness...That's what I said about another small creature...I forgot exactly what it was. Perhaps it was a baby guinea pig. I don't really remember. Probably at Kaitlyn's. Anyway, it was more than just relaxing and delightful, it was absolute bliss cramming ourselves into Sarah K's apartment with her lovely mother and her brood of companions, cats, boyfriend and little dog and all.

I'm so happy she let us come with her. She's right, more than I know. The best thing is make people happy. Although, happy at whose expense...There is no such thing as a free lunch. I should know. Better than anybody that "love" and "happiness", well "feelings" anyhow, do not come without somebody paying for it. No wonder I'm bitter and broke. Bitter is perhaps too much drenched in "feminine" baggage. Yes women are high maintenance, I agree, but in seriousness, all seriousness, I am not a laughing matter or an eye roll. My debts were paid, but could have been easily avoided if I had not been such a stupid girl. I've written at length about all those boys that broke my heart and scattered every piece, every little piece of feeling that I gave them. All because they asked me. Needed me. Wanted me. Or so I thought. Or so I believed.

I'm getting off topic. Way off topic.

I am grateful to Sarah K.

To Ana. To Sarah S.

They...waited for me. I can scarcely believe it. Maybe they didn't and I'm just reading into it and they were just conveniently placed there. But I'm glad. Whatever it was. They were there and when I needed them, they were there. No real questions asked. No need to really explain myself, though I felt obliged and I answered the questions they did ask. I don't really mind. Although I don't really have answers. Sometimes they tell me things I do not want to hear and sometimes I feel like I will cry in front of them, because it hurts so much to hear what I don't want to hear, but I know it's just because they care and they are trying. At least they try. Sometimes I just wished all those before them, had tried. At least tried.

TRYING IS NOT THE SAME AS PRETENDING. TRYING IS NOT LYING. LYING IS NOT TRYING.

REMEMBER THAT.

I am grateful for them. They are so precious. I just don't know what will become of us. Or them. Or those. Or they.

The summer is right in front of us. I hope they will come and visit. More than they know. I really want to see them over the summer, because I feel what will happen when we're away. I mean it is good for us, in a strange way, that we'll be apart. "Distance makes the heart grow fonder." I'm scared they'll fall into habits, old habits or new habits or just not enjoy themselves. Goodness, I hope they enjoy my company.

Maybe I am high maintenance. No, I'm positive I am. That is precisely why I am single and will remain so. No that's not right. I remain so, because I wish it to be that way. As many a time that I long for a guy to hold my hand and give me a first kiss, I told Ana maybe I should steal my first kiss from the guy I like. Just get it over with. You know, I think I will. I'll just do it. I mean, why wait? Why wait around like fucking Cinderella? I hate that fairytale. Of course, this is not applicable with virginity and serious things like that, but a first kiss? I can do that. I'll do it myself. When in doubt, do it yourself. If you want to gets things done, do it yourself.

Besides guys go around making messes for the girl to clean up and without care. I can be just as uncaring and cruel and cold. I can and I will. Not that I'll be cold. I'll just not make a huge fuss out of it.

God I'm such a lunatic. I hope they aren't sick of me. Sometimes I wonder, no quite often I wonder if I make a difference in any of my friends' lives. Am I important Do I influence them at all? And if so, I always hope for the best. I hope I matter. I hope I am important and not simply a nuisance or just a crazy girl they don't have the heart to tell, she's bugs the shit out of them. I hope that they honestly miss me or will miss me or do miss me. Because, my friends are so precious to me. They were the only reason why I stayed healthy and attended high school. They are the reason I want to achieve great things in life and why I manage to stay sane most of the time. I worry about them so much, especially now, because college welcomes so many horrible things almost as much as the good things. Horrible...Well is just my way of putting it.

I'll be honest. I have not accepted sex or come to terms with it. No I have come to terms, I just haven't well...yeah...gotten just "passive" of it. Drugs. Alcohol.

God. Relationships. Don't get me started.

I just wish them to be safe. I worry. They have no idea how much I worry. Nobody does. They have no idea how much I cry when I'm alone and how I can't bear to read the news, because I don't want to think how many people died today, how fucked up our politics are and how our environment is slowly dying. They don't know how much I worry about others and how much I fear I am revolting to the latter. They don't know how much I wish I was a better person.

They don't know how much I worry about them.

And they don't know how much it hurts whenever we speak about relationships and being single and sex. And body image. Because no matter how many times people say, "You're cute" or "You're pretty/beautiful." I never believe anybody. I've heard it so many times before. You have no idea. From family. From friends. From fuckers.

People say things. I don't resemble these images. I need to do something about it.

God I always talk myself down. I am happy on the outside and the inside. It's not just a mask. I'm not lying about that. I am happy. I was so happy and I've had so much fun.

It's just that time, when I realize all my faults. And I see through myself again. I am never continually opaque to my faults. I always see through myself. I am transparent. I am a critic. And I am never truly satisfied with myself.

But for now. It'll have to do.