I don't know what to do

I wish I was a mute. I wish I couldn't talk.

I don't know what to do.

I wish I had a reason for feeling the way I feel, for doing the things I do, for saying the things I say. Said. Did. Felt.

I wish I had a reason.

But I don't.

And that's why I'm so scared.

I realize that I can give people support and I can care for other people, but I don't know how to be supported or be cared for. I hate feeling vulnerable and weak and like I'm helpless. So I reject the help I should be accepting and don't ask when I should be asking. But nobody notices. Whenever I am upset, nobody does anything. It's almost as if I cannot be upset. Other people can be upset, but I cannot be.

Maybe I'm the only one who worries constantly and who wants to be near somebody who is distressed instead of giving them space. I just want to know if they are OK. I think everyone else just gives them space and gives them space and pretends nothing is happening.

No. I don't know.

I don't know what to do.

I'm so scared. I'm so sad and unhappy. I don't know what to do.

I know how to ask for help, but I don't know how to accept it. I don't know how to let someone hold me while I cry. I don't know how to let people hold me when I am weak. I feel like I have to fight them off and I don't mean to.

I got what I deserved.

I am alone. And I am feeling it.