Pessimism is better

I've been criticized for being pessimistic, if not jaded or any of its cynical, doubtful synonyms. I am a pessimist and believe it or not, I'm OK with it. When you're pessimistic you're never disappointed. Only pleasantly surprised like prom. If I had gone in with an optimistic attitude and convinced myself that prom would be thoroughly and absolutely amazing, I would have been utterly disappointed. I would have hated it.

We took the necessary precautions to ensure we'd have a good time, but I credit my pessimistic attitude. We took our own pictures and made our own meal. We didn't have dates. So we escaped the petty mistakes and drama, the gossip.

My mom told me tonight that I have so much rage. Yes, duh, I do. They don't call it Depression for nothing.

The thing is, I always get happy and stay happy--for awhile. I was happy on Senior Ditch Day and extremely happy at prom. It was like my own personal high on fun and life itself.

But when I return to reality, I still want my life to end. I think I lived enough. People would disagree. They'd say I'm too young to know what I'm talking about and I haven't done much.

Are you shitting me?

I made so many friends that I managed to keep for years on end. I made true friends. Friends that I can rely on, share with and enjoy thoroughly. I went around the world and around the country. I got a dog who I managed to get to trust me and I her. I wrote. I swam. I slept. I cried. I hated. I loved. I was rejected. I was accepted.

I've done quite a bit in seventeen years. With seventeen years. I think if I ended up dying tomorrow, I'd have regrets. But I did quite a bit. I did enough. I'd be content.