君という名の翼 (Kimi to Iu Na No Tsubasa)

As I look around outside, colors and shape stand out more so than before. I cried all the way home. I walked through the drizzle which I hoped masked my tears. Everywhere I looked, everywhere I turned, I could see just color, light and sound. I could feel it. I could smell it. My senses for a minute were heightened so much, so intensified, I bet I could hear the heart of Mother Earth beating.

We listened to the song 君という名の翼 (Kimi to Iu Na No Tsubasa) by Kubokuro. The song made the theme of the day. It's a large theme, so large and expansive, but so close to home. I can't put it into just one word or even two:

Sensei told us she took part in a program called Challenge Day. Where they put teachers and students who don't know one another and have them do bonding activities and open up about issues they have. After games, they have small group time.
Sensei said that people totally broke down and opened up to one another.
She also said they played a game called "Cross the Line" where questions are asked like, "Have you been ever ridiculed by a student/parent/teacher?"
And you cross the line.
So she told us she resolved to be a better, nice person and not be so hard on us, because you never know how much others are suffering.

She told us she wants to bring Challenge Day to our school. We need it. She should. After class, I hung back, feeling, sensing that I needed to talk to her. I feel awkward crying in front of Sensei. I hate crying in front of people period. But it's good. She says that people forget that when you are young, a baby the most innocent creature in the world, that it is natural and acceptable to cry. Somehow, sometime when you become older you are told to surpress your emotions and never to cry. Especially boys. We forget that. We forget many things when we grow older.

She asked me, "Do you think it is a good idea?"

And I nodded. She knew I was upset. And of course I started to cry. She gave me some Mardis Gras napkins she kept on hand, because she said she knew she would probably cry again after sharing her experience with other classes.

She told us about how she did the bonding and how important and wonderful it is to put trust in people you do not know.

I told her that I would help her. She said that I would love the program. She knows me all too well. I don't know how. But she does. I would love to be a part of it. I hate my life so much, because I'm so unimportant and average and just a waste. I want to make other peoples' lives better, because maybe I wouldn't be such a waste. And because I can't give my life someone else.

I'm crying now. Again.

I cried on the walk home. She told me to take care, because it was drizzling. I was okay. I listened to "Take 5" by Utada. It talks about death, life and rebirth. It was appropriate.

I felt as if I had died and come back to life. I realized so much. How suspicious I am. What a scared, stupid person I am. I had never taken time to realize how amazing life is around me and how I am part of it, regardless of how I feel. I realized how rooted my hatred is for my school. And how I long for things I cannot have or share.

I realized so much. It was definitely a profound moment or better yet, an epihany.

I want to be a part of it. I'm graduating, but I will come back for it. I will sacrifice myself for the sake of others, not being a martyr, but because I think I'll be at peace with myself, I do.