It's Fucking Friday. You don't see me laughing.

So one day I have an eye opener and the other I want nothing more for my infection to go away. I am referring to two things:

1.) That I do have an eye infection in addition to a cough and chest pain that I've had for practically two months this year
2.) The Challenge Day thing KSei shared with us which is now making progress in coming to our high school

Well it's more than just Challenge Day. Now there is a student run forum.

God FML FML FML FML!!!!!

I don't want to be 18. I don't want to be 19, 20, 21, 22....I want to be 60. I want to be 70. I want to be old, comfortable and secure. I want a house with a crappy garden that I attend to when I feel like. I want at least two dogs. I want to paint. To cook. To read. To sleep. To watch movies. I don't want to be stressing over colleges I will not get into and be with people that disrespect me, because they know they're more intelligent than I am.

Is it just because I haven't dated? Won't date? Because I have freckles? And crooked teeth? It is because I'm losing my mind and my ability to speak English? To speak at all? I know I'm losing it. My sanity is slowly slipping away. I'm not an invaild, though I sound like it. Maybe I am losing motor skills. Not like physically, but mentally. I think things, but when I open my mouth it comes out all jumbled and mixed up.

I can't even speak English and barely Japanese.

FML FML FML FML FML FML.

I can't stand listening to people and their college business.

"I got into all the UC's, Stanford, North Western, Seattle, Havard, John Hopkins, Pacific, Cal Poly, Cal Tech, Havard, M.I.T and Brown...Where did you get into?"

".....(San Jose State)"

Not to mention only SJ. SCUgave me an open ended answer. CO flat out doesn't want me.

My mom keeps saying, "Everything happens for a reason" "There is a college out there for everyone."

Fuck that.

I don't even know what the hell I want to do with myself anymore. My dreams, the ones that I had been chasing for years, have drifted away. I cry randomly. I want to cry at school. I could cry at school. Just break down. Completely. In any class and cry uncontrollably. I wouldn't look or talk to anyone. I would just sob.

They don't give a shit about what I say or do in that class. I could sit and pick my nose and they wouldn't give a damn. I'm not respected, because I'm not Ivy League material. I'm just unintelligent bottom feeding scum who doesn't deserve to breathe the same air as they do. I'm at the bottom of the bell curve.

And there's no one who'd curve this test of life for me. I'm just going to flunk out.

So fuck it.

"Everything happens for a reason."

My foot.