I can't do this anymore
I just realized I don't know if anyone reads this. Oh well. If you do, you do, if you don't you don't. I bet people just think I'm faking, that I'm a liar. That I'm emo. God, I hate that word. I hate emo. Being emo. Doing the emo. Looking emo.
It's bullshit. Why would anyone WANT to be depressed? Look depressed? Do the whole depressed-spiel? It's shit. You don't want it.
I know people who've wanted it. 0 to the three, depression to the three. You know it. You wanted it. You wanted it. Granted it gives you attention. Or were you depressed, are depressed? I doubt it unless you're wearing a mask you can peel back on and off.
I try to be happy, but I crack. I can't shut up. Everyone knows. Or if you don't, you'll find out somehow. Dark secrets are left unsaid, mostly unwritten and just sealed in your head.
I keep doing stupid things. I stayed at school until like 4 pm. I didn't do anything. No hw. No nothing. Just sat in sensei's room and talked. I have:
Physio: finish Materials & Methods, study for quiz fourth period
Math: finish HW # 4 and 5, study for possible quiz
Brit Lit: read pgs 460-467, questions 1-5/1-4 and prepare for discussion (just her blabbing on about sex), IN CURSIVE
Gov: 1.3, 1.4 open note quiz tomorrow
Japanese 5: translation
Journalism: find an ad, collect data for article with partner
I'm going to die.
My mom just lectured me about how she thinks I'm giving up and how I just need to "plug away to ensure there are good paths for me in the future." She's trying to scare me. Scare method so I will "plug away" and succeed.
She lectured me about how if I can't see a positive future, I just give up.
Well you know what? People, my parents, people, friends, people, family friends, people, friends, people, counselors, people keep telling me that "good things come to those who wait", "you're smart", "you're beautiful", "you're talented", "you'll go far."
I won't.
It's not I "can't" confused with "won't" or "give up" confused with "won't."
It's not going to happen, because this is me. Chinny is not talented. My drawings and writings are average crap. Chinny will not find someone. My love life as Ahnesah-Zuchini keeps asking me, IS NON EXISTANT AND WILL NEVER EXIST! I hate it. I hate how people tell me I'm pretty, I'm beautiful, I'm smart.
I have a 2.0 average. 2.8 but slipping. I'm an idiot. Don't even bother with the Asian grading system. I am D, Disowned. F, forever forgotten. But there's something else, M, make fun of. H, harrass constantly.
I'm not beautiful. I am flabby. I have ROLLS. This isn't girlish complaining. It's true. I'm awkward with crooked teeth and freckles that shouldn't be there. I'm awkward. I hate the sound of my voice.
My parents say I'm beautiful, because I'm their daughter. Their biased or maybe just saying that, because they "love" me. Family friends? Their family friends. They can't tell their friends they have an ugly daughter. "Rude" right?
---
OBL was talking about her parents yesterday and I agree. She said, "Don't you hate it when you realize that the people you looked up to aren't right, but you realize this too late?" Something like that. It's true. I totally understand her.
God...I just want to die. I want to give someone brilliant, someone amazing and someone deserving my life. My life is worthless and wasting away with me. Someone out there suffering or dying prematurely deserves my life. I'll give it to you.
Like in Seven Pounds.
It's bullshit. Why would anyone WANT to be depressed? Look depressed? Do the whole depressed-spiel? It's shit. You don't want it.
I know people who've wanted it. 0 to the three, depression to the three. You know it. You wanted it. You wanted it. Granted it gives you attention. Or were you depressed, are depressed? I doubt it unless you're wearing a mask you can peel back on and off.
I try to be happy, but I crack. I can't shut up. Everyone knows. Or if you don't, you'll find out somehow. Dark secrets are left unsaid, mostly unwritten and just sealed in your head.
I keep doing stupid things. I stayed at school until like 4 pm. I didn't do anything. No hw. No nothing. Just sat in sensei's room and talked. I have:
Physio: finish Materials & Methods, study for quiz fourth period
Math: finish HW # 4 and 5, study for possible quiz
Brit Lit: read pgs 460-467, questions 1-5/1-4 and prepare for discussion (just her blabbing on about sex), IN CURSIVE
Gov: 1.3, 1.4 open note quiz tomorrow
Japanese 5: translation
Journalism: find an ad, collect data for article with partner
I'm going to die.
My mom just lectured me about how she thinks I'm giving up and how I just need to "plug away to ensure there are good paths for me in the future." She's trying to scare me. Scare method so I will "plug away" and succeed.
She lectured me about how if I can't see a positive future, I just give up.
Well you know what? People, my parents, people, friends, people, family friends, people, friends, people, counselors, people keep telling me that "good things come to those who wait", "you're smart", "you're beautiful", "you're talented", "you'll go far."
I won't.
It's not I "can't" confused with "won't" or "give up" confused with "won't."
It's not going to happen, because this is me. Chinny is not talented. My drawings and writings are average crap. Chinny will not find someone. My love life as Ahnesah-Zuchini keeps asking me, IS NON EXISTANT AND WILL NEVER EXIST! I hate it. I hate how people tell me I'm pretty, I'm beautiful, I'm smart.
I have a 2.0 average. 2.8 but slipping. I'm an idiot. Don't even bother with the Asian grading system. I am D, Disowned. F, forever forgotten. But there's something else, M, make fun of. H, harrass constantly.
I'm not beautiful. I am flabby. I have ROLLS. This isn't girlish complaining. It's true. I'm awkward with crooked teeth and freckles that shouldn't be there. I'm awkward. I hate the sound of my voice.
My parents say I'm beautiful, because I'm their daughter. Their biased or maybe just saying that, because they "love" me. Family friends? Their family friends. They can't tell their friends they have an ugly daughter. "Rude" right?
---
OBL was talking about her parents yesterday and I agree. She said, "Don't you hate it when you realize that the people you looked up to aren't right, but you realize this too late?" Something like that. It's true. I totally understand her.
God...I just want to die. I want to give someone brilliant, someone amazing and someone deserving my life. My life is worthless and wasting away with me. Someone out there suffering or dying prematurely deserves my life. I'll give it to you.
Like in Seven Pounds.
posted by Chinny at
5:46 PM
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