Hello, it's been a while

The book title "Hi God, It's Me, Margaret" came to mind. It's been so so long since I have been here, so long since I have written. I should have never stopped writing but I felt like I was in a good place and I didn't have to write, but in reality I should have because it helps me. It helps me and I needed to have written here. When I don't know what to do, I write. When I am upset, happy, mad, glad, etc I write. But not lately. Because I have deluding myself.

Last night was another huge climatic fight with DB. We've been fighting on and off throughout the summer. It could have been stress, it could have been hormones. Or something that has been eating away at me for so long. The possibility I have long entertained in my head: that we are too different, not wrong except for each other. I have been the one to solely suggest this, never once hoping that he would believe it and come to me twice preparing to say goodbye to me, to our relationship. And to things frankly: break up. I hate that term: break up. But that is essentially what it is. What I intentionally orchestrated and there is no one to blame but myself. I repeatedly mention breaking up. My mind goes to it. Why?

Because I'm trying read the future. Not predict it but know it. I am so concerned with the future, I neglect my present

Maybe I'm just in denial. I really am that stupid, that immature, that incapable of being in a relationship.

I look at him and I do not want to say goodbye. I remember every contour, everything about him and all the things he said or I'm still waiting ot hear from him. I'm saying goodbye to a future that hasn't happened yet and there's really no way of knowing what will happen but I'm trying to make a future happen that neither of us want.

I am losing his trust, his patience, his love. I fear.

We talked for a long time in front of my house.

We came to the conclusion that we would stay together but he warned me that if I did something like this again, he would not come back.