I'm confused

I'm pretty sure the state of my confusion, irritation, short temper, crying fits and insatiable hunger for munchies is because I'm PMSing. Luckily I recognize that, but I can't help feeling the urge to question my feelings. I mean last night was I admit disappointing but it's not like I'm going to throw in the towel because things don't go my way. Still, things that were said made me think. Maybe I do get more excited when I'm with and when I see other people than when I'm with others. Or more likely, I didn't want to show my true feelings to people I care about or care to make a good impression on, so I pretend everything is okay. Still, he asked me if I am bored of him or if he fails to make me happy. Well, I don't think now is the right time to be asking me that since we both established I'm PMSing. I also haven't been getting adequate sleep. I think it has something to do with the mattress. Not to mention I have a ton of crap to do. I just got to get it done. And fast.

Nevertheless, what he said made me think. Am I happy? That's not usually a simple question to be asked...of the average person. Because every person has different needs, wants and expectations for happiness. I think at one point I thought I needed more to be happy but now I wonder if what I want for myself is...enough? I feel like I am expecting too much BUT simultaneously not expecting enough. Does that make any sense?

I know what I deserve and better yet I know that I am deserving. I just wonder if I'm...no I'm not settling. But I wonder if I'm holding out false hope or just wasting my time? That seems incredibly harsh but I wonder if my feelings are beginning to resemble that song I love by Monkey Majik featuring Mflo called "Picture Perfect." There is a line in the song that goes:

"But these days, I'm changing
Meeting new faces
Now how am I supposed to be?
My feelings for you seem to be changing
Looking back don't look back on me."

It's not like in a few days my love has changed significantly or dried up altogether. I just feel...exhausted. I feel confused. I think it's just the PMS. I feel like this all the time when I PMS. The BC really exacerbates everything. Speaking of which I need to renew the prescription.

Whenever he says don't leave me I will say, "Then always give me the reason to stay with you." I told him if I left him I would leave for myself. He said that's why people usually leave their partners but eventually they find other partners. This is true, but when it comes down to it. I don't really need anybody by my side. It was just a nice bonus in my life.

I told him we thought differently as children. While he oogled over women's bodies with his immature friends and watched porn like all boys his age...I was wondering when if somebody would ever love me for me. I was wondering if someone would ever give me flowers or ask me to dance. I wondered if anybody would need me forever and want me forever. I wondered if someone would want to be my partner and give me a good life, all their love and loyalty. I wondered if there would be anybody would want to be part of my family and me a part of theirs, and make a family with me.

But you know what. Somewhere along the way, I realized, I didn't need that. I didn't want anybody or need anybody. I knew what I wanted. I wanted to be a mother one day. I wanted to live in my grandmother's flat. I want pony sized dogs and to paint on my walls. I want to eat ice cream before my meals and always live somewhere that's near the water because I need the ocean and I need the mountains.

I think it's ironic. I'm impatient for things that will take years, but he's impatient for things that will take weeks or months. We're both impatient, but I guess the question is can we wait for each other. There are definitely things I am not willing to budge on, the same for him. If we want to stay together, we'll have to meet halfway. I don't know if he can give me the kind of life I envisioned for myself but he's right. I know he wants me with him. But he's a big city boy and I grew up in the suburbs. It's not like I am in love with the suburbs, in fact I'm not. But I'm looking for a small town, rural life. I figured that nobody could ever give me a life like that. It may be a life that will always exist somewhere between sleep and dreaming. Or an even tinier moment when you're conscious and almost, almost asleep.

I suppose that's where the dog comes in? To fill those gaps? The ones that maybe a real human being, a real HETERO-CIS-MALE human being can't ever, ever fill. Sure, there may be someone else, but as I type this. I realize on a beautiful sunny day when I'm not feeling so bad anymore and when I'm feeling 110% again, I know that I'm still in love and though he drives me crazy and so does my big stupid dog, I wouldn't trade Buddy for any dog out there and, I wouldn't looking for any other guy even if Dhruv wasn't with me. I'm happy to be with both of them.