I have a problem

And it's not a tiny one unfortunately.

I am not depressed. In fact I am, contrary to recent belief, a happy person. I have never experienced such strange feelings before. I've been in love before, but it wasn't like this and it wasn't that I wasn't really "in love" it just was with a completely different person at a different time at a different place and life in my life. And what does that have to do with anything now? Well, it is not how I feel right now. How I used to experience love and being in love. It's not the same.

I am so thankful that it's not the same. I have experienced such wonderful things but it has not been easy. The worst part yet is that I don't make things easy. I have problems.

I am passionate but I am also obsessive. I am a worry wart, it is something I have always been but it has never affected my personal life like it has now. Now I am responsible for my own happiness as I always have been, but also I directly influence and affect the happiness of another human being, a person that I deeply care about. I am more fearful than brave when it comes to this relationship and it is hurting both of us and putting our future at risk, whatever it may be.

I want to protect myself from things that have not even happened and may never happen and do not exist in the present. I'm trying to live out my future but I forgo the present. I am destroying it and hurting not only him but myself. I don't understand why I am so afraid because I know that whatever happens happens and what has happened so far in my life has not always been great, but I have no regrets.

I don't want to break up and I hate how I keep it as a reoccurring thought. I don't want to lose him. The thought of him with somebody else, being intimate and somebody not loving him the way I do, it makes me so very sad. Because he's right, he won't find anybody like me. Nobody in this world is like me and nobody will love him the way I do. I am not perfect. He is not perfect. But I want to see this through, I know that we are happy together and that we love each other and he doesn't want to break up and neither do I, despite appearances and what has been said. I am so powerful. My words and my thoughts however are not being commanded in a way that is productive and positive.

A friend told me that I need to do what is best and what is healthy for me and as long as I feel this way about him and our relationship, I should always remember what I am good at and do it. I am good at loving him, but I am not good at balancing. I am not good at letting go and not allowing myself to be undermined in terms of confidence. I can't let little things bother me. I need to be absolute in my trust in myself and in our relationship, because even though I trust him, I keep having poisonous thoughts that he'll leave. He's here. He wants me and needs me and is letting me do what I want. He said it was up to me. He told I confuse him and some things I do and I say hurt his feelings and that he is scared of me sometimes, because even though he says that he knows that I love him, I am preparing myself to leave him?

I am afraid that I am losing myself in this relationship and I am not so much an individual anymore but a entity. It's really my fault. I can remain myself, but maybe at the expense of some things. Negotiating and meeting halfway is what you do in a relationship. But what if it isn't enough? All these "buts" freaked me out and the fact I momentarily suspended the fact both of us are liable to change (which is the truth because nothing stays the same), made me wonder if I should choose sacrificing my dreams in order to stay with him or not.

But it doesn't work that like. I don't need to do anything but nothing has happened yet. I should continue learning from him and learning how to get along and vice versa. I should be happy everyday because I have so much going for me and we're together and he wants to be with me. I should be doing everything I can to maintain my health and happiness as well as his by doing that for myself so he can see and know that I am that person he hopes I will be someday, that I have always been that person,  he just doesn't see it because I'm still figuring out what it is to be in a relationship.

I wish for his patience and tolerance and his love because I need it and because I want it and because I deserve it.

I will remain to be loyal and loving, because that is exactly who I am and what I am exceptionally good at. I will not involve or engage with him if I cannot handle my own feelings and keep my negativeness in check. I think I should not hang out with him altogether or speak to him in anyway if I am upset and being unreasonable as not to hurt his feelings.

I want to be together. I want to us to be happy and healthy and loving and loyal, together.

Oh and by the way, my mom and sister just walked in. Apparently a guitar lesson fell apart and she's being subsequently grounded. OH boy.