What I like about [you] --> me...and not...

Whenever somebody asks, "Good news or bad news?" or rather "Good or bad first?" I always always always pick bad first. When I have a meal with something, some sort of ingredient I particularly like, I always always always save it for last. Which lately has been taken to me that I don't actually want to eat that part so I wind up having to defend my food since I save the good for last and well sometimes it is misconstrued as free helpings to others who don't seem to notice my habits. The same can be said about myself. What do I like about myself and what do I abhor? Strong words I know.

I know more than anybody in order to love somebody else you have to love yourself first. If that wasn't true than I really would end my relationship, if not for other reasons primarily the first being I'm not convinced I'm the right person for him. I think he might be happier with someone else. I don't know who that person is and what she's like or where he'd find her. But sometimes I don't think it's me. It's horrible, because I want nothing more than to be that person, to be his person that he's supposed to be with and make happy, but I screw up.

Dad says that I overreact and over-think. I won't deny that. I really do. So without further ado, here it is. What I Like About --(insert phone call from the guy I'm in love with to tell me about the movie "The Raid: Redemption" aka "Serbuan Maut") Me...And Not.

Chinny's Toppings: What I Like About Me...And Not
Things I Hate About Me:

1. I hate my teeth. I am very upset about my teeth. I hate smiling now with an open mouth because of my teeth. If I had 3 wishes, one of them would be perfect teeth. Right off the bat. 
2. I hate how I always have this urge to fix things that don't need fixing or should be left alone, but I always do and then make things worse.
3. I hate how I overthink and overanalyze and how I just can't let things go.
4. I hate how I overreact. I've been told that I overreact and "fly off the handle." I absolutely hate that. So apparently I am the hysterical, crazed woman. Great. I am a stereotype and controlling image. 
5. I am trying to resist being my own father. I am trying my best to learn to let things go and not hold people hostage to past wrong doings against me, I hate how I can't so easily forgive and forget. Though I am much improved by far in comparison to my younger self, I need to continue this.
6. I hate how I worry too much. People say I'm too conservative. Why can't I be thoughtful? Wise? Careful? Why conservative? Why prudish? I just hate how my worry impedes my ability to do the logical thing. 

Things I Like About Me:

1. My hair. I like the color and the texture and the length. I love how fast it grows.
2. My freckles. I think it adds character. Not too much and not too little.
3. My boobs. Good shape, good size and shape. Not too small. Could be a little bigger, but I don't think it would necessarily improve anything.
4. My ability to love. I am very affectionate. 
5. My body. I wish it would lose weight faster and was more toned, but I have a pretty nice body. I have a butt and legs and arms and it's all functional. 
6. My loyalty. I am a very loyal person, I prize loyalty above all else.

When it comes down to it. I think I'm too intense and am seeking security way too soon. I'm not even 21 and yet I demand to somehow secure my future. I want the feeling of being safe and of course being loved. I feel like I'm unhappier and weaker in a relationship than I should be. I feel like if I didn't have any expectations, I would be happier. I'm afraid that the more serious I want to be, the less serious he will want to be. We both aren't people who engage in flings...well not anymore. I mean he's not the same person I am. I won't be fucked with though. Loving someone is the hardest thing in the world. I know everything about a person and love them anyway. You can't love anybody until you love yourself. There are definitely things about me that I don't like, but I accept these things as well lesser qualities about myself, but they are definitely...what makes me me. 

He asked how you can quantify love? I don't think you can. But what I do know is no matter how much he makes me mad or makes me cry or makes me consider the fact that maybe he'd be better off and potentially happier than being with me, a lukewarm mess, I still love him.

I can't be friends with benefits. I can't do that. It's all or nothing with me. I don't hook up and I won't be with somebody I don't love. Or more importantly who doesn't love me. I don't doubt his feelings, the sincerity and honesty of his feelings. What worries me is mostly me. I worry that I will fulfill my worst nightmares and see them ruin myself. I won't let that happen. Because even though I question how deserving I am, I think about what things would be like.

And well, you know. I would be not okay. Not okay for a long time. It's so hard to be in love and to love somebody. It's a challenge because things happen, shit happens and sometimes it really tests you and what not. But even so, I want to see things through.

He says that I risk removing the meaning and devaluing the word love because I say it too much. I think it's already been done though. Love is so overrated a word and so is the phrase in which it is often used. It's a place holder, it's a filler. It's not really accurate and it's not how I really feel. I can't begin to explain my feelings and I could try but I can't go on here. It'd be too long and I'd be up for a long long time. My love is colors that you can scarcely imagine and depths you can't even begin to breathe under. My love is a weight so immense that going into space without a suit would deem possibilities for survival. My love is nonsensical and illogical and you can't make sense of it, because you're in it. You're completely submerged and safe and sound. I can't even really describe it. But that's really what love is. It doesn't make sense. It's not pretty or beautiful all the time. Most of the time it's ugly. It's tears and worry.

I just want to know that I'm not a hysterical basket case and that I am indeed loved and I won't be screamed at or criticized until there's nothing left for anybody to pick apart.

I hate being yelled at. It's like I'm being stabbed. Something in me just breaks. Disintegrates and dies.

I don't want him to be with me because he just cares about me like a friend. I don't want him to be with me because he's that scared of making me cry. I want him to be with me because he wants to be with me, because he needs me and because he loves me. I don't want him to be with me if he's afraid of commitment and afraid of me being in love with him and worrying about his health and his safety. I don't want him to be with me if he's not ready. Because maybe I shouldn't be with him either. Maybe I'm not ready.

He says I'm ready.

I don't want him to be with me if he doesn't want to be with me. If he's just with me out of pity. No, I just want him to be happy because no matter how fucked up I feel right now, I am actually really happy. If he's not happy than I'm not happy. If I'm not happy than he's not happy, he says. But if I am the cause of his unhappiness because I'm not what he needs or wants, well then, I'll let him go. I love him enough to let him go.

I'm not afraid of being alone. I'm not afraid of being single. I was happy when I was single but after being with him I was happy in a new, in a different way. I'm afraid of how much I'd miss him. I'm afraid of not having him around anymore because he's so entwined with my life and my happiness and my health. He's in my thoughts and included in my plans. He's the only person whose growing in that part of me that certain kinds of people are meant to grow in. He's the only one there, a spot in my room just for him. He's the only one with privileges to me and my body and my mind and my love.

I'm so happy he's the one who found me and the one who helped me discover that I'm not the most fucked up person in the world. I'm unhappy sometimes and I get down, but I am a happy person. I love having fun and I love laughing. And I make mistakes and sometimes I ruin his day, but I don't ever mean to do it intentionally. I never mean to hurt his feelings and I just want to make him smile and make him laugh. Maybe I'm trying too hard and maybe that's a sign that it's not good. Should it be effortless?

I just don't know. I want to see where this goes. I don't want to mess things up. Because I really have it good, I really do. And so does he. He's not going to find someone to replace me. I can't be replaced. It's impossible, he'll never be able to find someone like me.

I want to know that I deserve this happiness and that I'm ready. I mean I wonder if I am? I never made a mistake and I have no regrets. Except well, I might have regrets if I screw up. But really I don't have any regrets. I just wonder sometimes if I was ready for a relationship, if I'm mature enough. I have no previous experience except with my friendships.

I want this. I need this.