It's that time of year and also while I'm at it, that time of the month
...When I get my sexy L flow. But anyway, I think people might realize once you become sexually active you sure as hell look forward to your period if you are a certain type of relationship with a certain type of person who has certain kinds of parts and assuming you are a certain type of person with the parts that you look forward to having the flow...Does that make any sense? Good, because I think I managed to confuse my own self. Moving on from here.
Olivia is coming this summer. I have work again. Buddy and Dad have their health mostly...when Buddy is not ingesting my sister's underpants. My sister (and hopefully a majority of her underpants) will be going up to family camp this summer where she will be training to become a camp counselor, she'll be a KILT. Kounselor in Leadership Training. I assume at least. K is more flashy than a C I guess. We're all happy for her and I'm a little nervous because in the past KILTs were allowed to run wild...in and out of each other's bedrooms and frankly my sister is way too young to be...Yeah I really don't even want to think about that. Really don't. It reminds me of something incredibly and profoundly disturbing I once read of something in her hand that she left in my room. I still don't know how it got there and it was suggested by someone that perhaps it was planted by her for me to find. Anyway, I really want her to be all around happy and proud of herself and her self esteem climb astronomically so she's so full of herself my family could actually complain about her being overly grounded as a happy, confident, cocky going to high school-girl. Oh my god...She is going to be attending my former high school this fall. So terrifying. It means that she's that old and well that I'm...closer to graduation. AGAIN.
God as if the first graduation wasn't hard enough! Now it's literally like, "Welcome to the Big World." And what then? I have a plan which hopefully will work out. Because I don't know if I can just pick it up again and go to school. Who am I kidding anyway? I have no money. It's to work...or bust! That or I'll have to beg my parents to let me cook and clean for them so that Buddy and me will have a place to remain. I know they intend for me to move out with the dog. Dog and me gotta find a way to support ourselves...Too bad Buddy couldn't like...eat underwear for millions of dollars?
Olivia is coming! I can scarcely believe it. I can't remember if I already mentioned that in another post of mine (I know this is the second time in THIS post but yeah...can't remember). I am so excited and it's also weird in a way because...Well it will be exactly like last summer. She has the same job and so do I...well not exactly same company different job. Dhruv is here, except permanently. All my friends from abroad and beyond and around are going to be in the area. That is a cause of worry. Between the job, my personal goals, Dhruv and friends...I'm just scared this is a gasoline, a Molotov cocktail and an open flame. I really want this summer to be rewarding in every way. Rewarding as in relaxing and rewarding in the sense that I am able to obtain higher knowledge and...well...Feel accomplished. I want to have a great birthday. I mean fun and make memories, hopefully good clean ones that aren't damning because it is after all my 21st. But I don't want to wind up black outed or so shit faced that I literally am spilling all over the place. Guts, shit, vomit and secrets. Nope, want to keep that all inside or at least where it SHOULD be. You know?
I am nervous and anxious about seeing people again because I feel like I just disappoint. Everybody. I haven't been around for much. I've been keeping mostly to myself and well I do come here of course, but I just keep thinking and thinking and thinking. I mean everybody thinks. Obviously. Among other things it is how the world keeps turning. But I'm always thinking, except when I am hopefully sleeping but I wake up and know I've been thinking or at least worrying because my body hurts and my brain hurts and I feel exhausted. I know it is that time of the year when I have to get my shit together even if I feel horrible because there are only like 4 weeks left. Panic. Mode. And yet! Simultaneously there are all these WONDERFUL things to look forward to.
But I feel so belligerent. I feel like fighting and snapping. I am snippy. I get impatient and feel one edge. But if someone screams at me or snaps at me, yes I am liable to snap back but also more likely to cry. I feel very vulnerable right now. Just like crawling into bed and covering up and staying there. I sigh quite a bit. Hoping bad feelings with just come out of me in that sigh.
Good things are coming. I just have to finish EVERYTHING first. I can do it. I know I can. I just hope my sanity will stay in tact and I won't like spontaneously start crying all the time. I really want a massage. I really just want to be held.
Olivia is coming this summer. I have work again. Buddy and Dad have their health mostly...when Buddy is not ingesting my sister's underpants. My sister (and hopefully a majority of her underpants) will be going up to family camp this summer where she will be training to become a camp counselor, she'll be a KILT. Kounselor in Leadership Training. I assume at least. K is more flashy than a C I guess. We're all happy for her and I'm a little nervous because in the past KILTs were allowed to run wild...in and out of each other's bedrooms and frankly my sister is way too young to be...Yeah I really don't even want to think about that. Really don't. It reminds me of something incredibly and profoundly disturbing I once read of something in her hand that she left in my room. I still don't know how it got there and it was suggested by someone that perhaps it was planted by her for me to find. Anyway, I really want her to be all around happy and proud of herself and her self esteem climb astronomically so she's so full of herself my family could actually complain about her being overly grounded as a happy, confident, cocky going to high school-girl. Oh my god...She is going to be attending my former high school this fall. So terrifying. It means that she's that old and well that I'm...closer to graduation. AGAIN.
God as if the first graduation wasn't hard enough! Now it's literally like, "Welcome to the Big World." And what then? I have a plan which hopefully will work out. Because I don't know if I can just pick it up again and go to school. Who am I kidding anyway? I have no money. It's to work...or bust! That or I'll have to beg my parents to let me cook and clean for them so that Buddy and me will have a place to remain. I know they intend for me to move out with the dog. Dog and me gotta find a way to support ourselves...Too bad Buddy couldn't like...eat underwear for millions of dollars?
Olivia is coming! I can scarcely believe it. I can't remember if I already mentioned that in another post of mine (I know this is the second time in THIS post but yeah...can't remember). I am so excited and it's also weird in a way because...Well it will be exactly like last summer. She has the same job and so do I...well not exactly same company different job. Dhruv is here, except permanently. All my friends from abroad and beyond and around are going to be in the area. That is a cause of worry. Between the job, my personal goals, Dhruv and friends...I'm just scared this is a gasoline, a Molotov cocktail and an open flame. I really want this summer to be rewarding in every way. Rewarding as in relaxing and rewarding in the sense that I am able to obtain higher knowledge and...well...Feel accomplished. I want to have a great birthday. I mean fun and make memories, hopefully good clean ones that aren't damning because it is after all my 21st. But I don't want to wind up black outed or so shit faced that I literally am spilling all over the place. Guts, shit, vomit and secrets. Nope, want to keep that all inside or at least where it SHOULD be. You know?
I am nervous and anxious about seeing people again because I feel like I just disappoint. Everybody. I haven't been around for much. I've been keeping mostly to myself and well I do come here of course, but I just keep thinking and thinking and thinking. I mean everybody thinks. Obviously. Among other things it is how the world keeps turning. But I'm always thinking, except when I am hopefully sleeping but I wake up and know I've been thinking or at least worrying because my body hurts and my brain hurts and I feel exhausted. I know it is that time of the year when I have to get my shit together even if I feel horrible because there are only like 4 weeks left. Panic. Mode. And yet! Simultaneously there are all these WONDERFUL things to look forward to.
But I feel so belligerent. I feel like fighting and snapping. I am snippy. I get impatient and feel one edge. But if someone screams at me or snaps at me, yes I am liable to snap back but also more likely to cry. I feel very vulnerable right now. Just like crawling into bed and covering up and staying there. I sigh quite a bit. Hoping bad feelings with just come out of me in that sigh.
Good things are coming. I just have to finish EVERYTHING first. I can do it. I know I can. I just hope my sanity will stay in tact and I won't like spontaneously start crying all the time. I really want a massage. I really just want to be held.
posted by Chinny at
10:18 AM
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