I am an emotional creature

I am always too quick to think of the worst possible scenario. Somehow things always change, just like Professor Chin said. You can always count on something changing. Things never stay the same.

And they don't.

People I used to have in my life have come and gone. It's hard and I miss the spaces that they used to fill but you know what...As I've been struggling to learn over this past week, you shouldn't cry over people who aren't worth it. It doesn't mean I haven't cried though, it's a slow learning process.

I haven't forgotten what I need and what I want and what I have to do in order to be happy and to be healthy which is exactly what I know everybody who cares and who loves me wants me to be. To break up is something that I had to consider as part of adult realism. If that makes any sense. But I really don't want to.

In all his silence I didn't know what to think. Now I am beginning to suspect maybe he wasn't blowing me off. Maybe he was thinking. It seems like he thought I was in finals and didn't want to bother me. He replied today. And I thought wow. Maybe he really just waited until he thought my classes were over to text me back. Maybe. Who knows. Maybe I was right, maybe he was just blowing me off. Who knows.

He said he loved me.

I'm of course happy to hear this, but also grounding myself. I have to stay grounded. He has to know how I feel as I have to know how he feels. Hopefully we'll be able to get through this. I don't think he really wants to break up either. At least that is what the really optimistic part of my brain is thinking. I don't think he does. I mean...I would still be in love with him even if we parted, but I don't think he would have been so affectionate sounding saying that and having other thoughts...right? There goes the pessimism of mine. The typical pessimistic behavior that I am so infamous for.

I read some nasty things today. Well, maybe it can be thought of as justly deserved or comeuppance. But I don't think it's necessarily fair either. Whatever. What will be will be. At this point I have no energy for it. If you hate me, you hate me. If you love me, you love me.

I'm willing to meet you halfway but right now, I want to do what's best for me and do what I want to do. Sunday, I hope we can talk and I hope we'll be calm. And I hope we both will be happy. And walk away together.