"OK"

I typed those two words and he freaked out. And talk about that "warm, rolling feeling" being misplaced. Or has seemingly vanished for the time being. I mean it's not like all those months of waiting and wanting and missing went to waste. I'm certainly not like those horoscope readings that say a Gemini is not committed or loyal, gets bored easily and then goes onto the next person. I really don't think I am like that at all. I mean, I know I'm not. I have always valued faithfulness and loyalty in relationships whether it was platonic/friendship/familial or romantic.

Right now I just feel annoyed and disappointed.

It's raining right now. The City will still be there, all soggy and cold and overcast but there nonetheless. Along with all its shopping and the Occupy movement. All those people, I hope they don't get sick. I'm sure they are freezing out there right now. I wish them the best.

I'm disappointed in myself. Because I'm disappointed. I know, silly but true. That's how I feel. I'm disappointed in myself because I forgot my phone charger. Not having a cellphone and then going on a day trip is not the best. It means I have to be very conscious of myself and my surroundings because if I am separated from either Chelsea or Stefanie today...Yeah how the heck am I supposed to find them? I don't have their numbers memorized either. Not good.

I'm disappointed in myself because really...It's not a huge deal. The rain, the dead cellphone...But I had this brilliant idea (too late of course) to buy Coldplay tickets for my Dad as a surprise, extra bonus surprise for his birthday...All the tickets that are available are for BEHIND THE STAGE. You can't see ANYTHING! I mean you literally will not be able to see a thing. It's not worth it. It's really not worth it. We could spend a small fortune and buy VIP tickets which Dad is totally worth, but I'm worried that he will just be upset that we spent the money on something he really didn't care that much about. I mean he does like Coldplay and did consider seeing them when they went to Shoreline Ampitheatre a few summers ago...But he backed out saying that when the tickets were $30 a pop, THAT was too expensive. How will he feel about a $200 VIP package? Times two because I think Mom should go with him. Date night right?

I'm disappointed that it might fall through. It was such a good idea and I knew he'd love it!

I am disappointed in myself because I'm not getting on top of my studies. I know it's only been the first few days but I feel like I'm already behind. I feel so much pressure to please people. When did I become such a brown nosing people pleaser? I swear it's all due to this relationship business. I'm so fixated on maintaining when I should be relaxed. I mean he's with me. He made a huge step to remain committed. He made a decision that naturally he could not refuse for his personal well being and status, but also I was that extra bonus.

And here I am disappointed and annoyed. What kind of grateful wretch I am?

I'm just disappointed because visiting this weekend fell through. I nudged in the direction of not coming also. I mean I completely did because this morning I sent an email saying "Don't come this weekend." I meant it. I'm not trying to be on the sly and nag him to come. It really wouldn't work out because my sister's guitar recital is Saturday morning which is the same day as the football game (the BIG game) which my dad is determined to watch so he's going to rush us to the performance and then rush back home to the TV.

So really visiting wouldn't be great.

But I guess why I'm feel down is because of that fact he didn't want to come. He cited the weather. And I don't blame him. Traveling when it is cold and wet and on public transit just isn't comfortable. But I mean...He lived in the COLD and he had to move around then.

But all in all, visiting wouldn't be ideal because of the time constraints and the homework I need to do. Next weekend I'll see him because he is a instrumental in our plans to get my dad out of the house. So, I mean I'll see him after this weekend, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday...And my friend Vivian might be coming to visit on Wednesday evening and stay two nights then come home with me on Friday. She and I can make the long haul back home. I'm thinking we'd go by train all the way as far as we could home.

Still...I guess despite how I feel now which makes me feel crappy about myself...I do miss him?

That question mark doesn't make me better or well assured. I don't know...I should be happy! I should be happy. It driving me crazy. How can I be unhappy? I'm such a piece of shit. I mean really, there is no reason in Hell I should be unhappy. Please let it be my period. Lack of sleep. Anything that would make me irrational. Maybe it had to do something with Professor V saying that her father passed and she rightfully demanded that we be excellent, responsible, mature students and basically don't give her shit during the semester because she is incapable of her usually, patient and tolerant demeanor in her fragile state. I do not blame her in the least. But I did feel horrified because I now feel like I'm treading on eggshells. She's literally doing so much for us by just simply BEING THERE. I mean she could easily have taken a leave of absence (I mean I don't actually know how easy that is but you know what I mean) and she didn't. She's here for us and asking us to be there for her, of course! She should! She is entitled to that. I'm just nervous now because I don't want to do anything to upset her and I want to maintain my good grades. This curriculum this semester...Well the stakes just keep getting higher and so far I've been able to clear every hurtle with flying colors so I don't see why I'm so shaky now.

I'm so grateful for my friends. But yesterday I just felt like I didn't deserve them because I know I've made mistakes and put rifts between myself and some people. I've been demoted, rejected and passed over by some people over the break which was humiliating needless to say and well...I guess it's just part of life and growing up? I still feel like I'm growing up. I question every decision I make. Well not question per se, but review. Yes, I like that better and it's more accurate.

--unfinished but I'll stop here, this was written last Saturday morning--