3 Things I don't want to have happen (IF I can help it)

1.) I don't want to be married before I'm ready and he is ready

I just don't want to be married because we think we know we are in love and we think we know we want to spend the rest of our lives together and we think we know we want to grow old together. I want to be absolutely positively sure that this man and me know what we are doing when we say we want to be married to one another. That we want to spend our lives together because it won't be easy and it won't always be fun and sunshine. There will be stresses and our bodies and lives will evolve along the natural path that they do.

And with that said...

2.) I don't want to be divorced

I know, I know. Being divorced does NOT make you a "ruined woman" and you can marry and you can find love again. It's not an unspeakable, terrible thing. But I really personally don't want to do it. I really, no matter how unrealistic or crazy it sounds...I really want a mate for life. I can't tell you...Actually I haven't really told anybody this before until now and honestly I have no idea who I am telling this to, but...A part of me was really upset when I found out that Emperor penguins...DON'T mate for life. Every male and female couples during the mating season...for a single cycle and then after the chick is "weaned" so to speak, part ways and choose again. I mean it's not TERRIBLE. The birds just have different partners and then are faithful to that partner until the deed is done. But...still. I was sad. I loved penguins. Penguins were my childhood mascot in elementary school. I kid you not. I had THE best mascot anybody could ask for. Penguins are amazing. Flightless birds. They were amazing swimmers and when I was a kid, I was a pretty amazing swimmer.

Penguins aren't wolves. Wolves mate for life. Other creatures that somehow I cannot bear in mind to name do as well. Humans...well humans are tricky buggers. I really do want a mate for life. Which is exactly what I told him when we were sitting in the park on the grass outside of the museum and he asked me if I had ever dated before.

Seriously, if I can help it. I'll work so that I won't be divorced. I told him when we talked about heavier stuff, heavier future stuff that is and the most serious of serious relationships, that I'd rather be in a longtime, committed domestic partnership (like eternal boyfriend/girlfriend) situation than be married if we'd just divorce. Heck, I'd even raise kids like that. Celebrities are humans too and it isn't like they are entitled to alternative, non-conformative, cookie-cutter lifestyles over us regular and 99% folk. Screw them. I was planning on adopting way before Jolie was.

And here's the whopper.

3.) I don't want to have an abortion

First of all...Wow that sounds defensive. I don't intend to come off as "defensive" but I do have one thing I'd like to say before I continue. This is coming from a person who is liberal (and when I say liberal I say LIBERAL that does not mean synonymous with DEMOCRACT because I belong to no party and I support NO PARTY) and who is also PRO CHOICE.

I think every woman has the entitlement and the right to decide what to do with her uterus GIVEN that she is in her right mind AND is capable of making a rational, healthy and safe decision for the sake of her child, herself and her partner (if he/she/they apply). I personally don't really want all rights of the uterus to be placed with politicians who generally are upperclass cis-men who generally and most probably don't really "get" what it is like to experience the other end of sex and the results that biologically females go through. I would get into examples, but I really don't want or need to go there. This is such a long standing issue and I think everybody clearly has a very loud and very clear opinion on the latter. This just so happens to be mine so please don't flame me or condemn me or anything. As you are entitled to yours, I am to mine.

I really don't want to abort a child. I remember back when my mother made me go to church, there of course in the high school or was it junior high...I can't recall which in particular, but anyway, there was a young woman probably in her mid twenties who gave a presentation on "pro-life." Of course it was VERY political and VERY religious, but I ignored all of that stuff. I had never actually been told or shown or explained or researched on my own personal intrigue/interest about WHAT an abortion actually called for. What is was. I knew for a long time what "abort" mean. I knew what it meant when people in the movies were screaming, "ABORT MISSION!" I knew what it meant. Generally. if not very specifically or like reading to you something from Webster's, but yeah, I knew what it meant. GENERALLY.

Now applied to a unwanted growing fetus in the uterus...I didn't actually realize what went into...removing it. I was horrified. I won't even repeat what I know is in my mind. I can't. I was very, well at that age "grossed out" but as an adult I simply "forgot" or let it slide back away into my memories. It had no matter to me. Me pregnant. I always would answer with a laugh and a confident lines of "no" whenever doctors would run through what is either a list of things people have to lie about in front of their parents or themselves when going to the doctor. I always was "no, no no" on all of those things. My parents have always been present with me. I know this may seem silly to many people, but my since my dad got sick my mom told me, "I just like going because I need to understand this too." She is my mom. My mother. She's wiped my ass and held my own vomit in her hands to keep my semi-digested food from ruining Uncle Lee's nice apholstered interior in his jeep...She should know things about me. Why should I be ashamed or embarrassed?

Not to say that I have done anything truly heinous. I haven't. Thankfully. Besides if I did anything bad, I think SK would have my ass on a silver platter before anybody could get me. They are very adamant about safety. I am very thankful for SK.

Anyway, talk about tangents.

Pregnancy is not exactly what I'd call relevant in my life, but we're at that age when we do know people who are older than us by a few years maybe five, but who are within range and who are married. Who have kids. We knew people way back when who were marrying or having kids. And well, now that you're crossing into the threshold of "You are a really big kid now and that means responsibility, responsibility and all consequences from here on in" it hits you.

And so did those memories, I forgot about.

I used to say to people, "I'm Pro Choice. Yeah if you want an abortion get it!" That hasn't changed. But my own personal outlook on it has. Now that I know what an abortion is. I think it's horrible. I mean you can do everything the "right" and "safe" way, go to a legit clinic and consult with a real respected doctor...But it's hard. I mean there was life about to grow or growing or there inside you. And then it was just plucked out. I know it has to happen sometimes. Some people will disagree, but sometimes there are times when you can't even imagine or even dare to think about, but that call for abortions. Don't be so quick to say they should keep a baby, because you don't know what they are going through. Their story.

I just know that. I would never feel good about myself. I am just speaking about me. Nobody else. I would never feel good knowing what happened. I wonder if it has something to do with the fact that if I had been conceived now...I would have been aborted. My birth parents could have gone to the city and gotten into some sleazy alley van with a sonogram machine and they would have found out in seconds that I was female and therefore not worth having. I could have been aborted. And that scares me. Well it should. Gives you perspective.

I feel so secure knowing I'm with someone with understands that. And although I don't always understand what he means, I know he means well and for the best. For both of us.